Monday, September 17, 2012

I Feel You Close

WRITTEN WHILE ON FLIGHT TO MEXICO!!!

I have such a hard time sleeping on airplanes, yet today thankfully our flights seem to be going quick! I have seemed to doze off a few times, and this last time I woke, my dream came to me so clear..... It was a similar resemblance of my dream last night, my Grandma...... Neither protained to anything going on in my life, yet I just loved feeling her close to me when I woke up. This time my dream was alittle crazy! In my dream I was having another baby, and it was a girl. I named her Mary Elizabeth... There was nobody else in the dream except me and my baby! Well, we all know I can't have any babies do that is out of the question! Yet I wonder if I am having random dreams about her a lot because she is with me right now. I know that she is always there when I need her, but maybe lately she just knew I needed her more than ever and she is letting me know it will all be ok. Right now I am on this amazing adventure of a trip that I am so lucky to be on, yet I think she noted me to know she is enjoying me happy!

Monday, September 3, 2012

Emotional day

I am such a moody person!!! I know that women are emotional, but I create a whole new level.

A lot of let downs lately and feeling alittle insecure.. Ok, a lot of insecure! The sad thing is, is that I know that most things that happen are for the best, yet I feel embarrassed! You build yourself up and let everyone know vocally, and then you look and feel like an ass because of all the let downs.

I still have yet to lose any weight! Grrr. It's my own fault cuz I put zero effort into it, and spend too much time sulking about it. I just have to find a way out of this slump!!!!!! I let all the yucky rule my life and have to find a better way to deal! I even catch myself sneaking and hiding when I eat bad foods. I don't want to be judged. And I know those around me see my horrible transformation, believe me I hear about it!

On another note, so many good things are happening and I have to remember them! Kids and I have a house in town, it's huge! I have nowhere near enough furniture for it! Still working on that. Yet I love having our own space and the kids feel at home, which is so important to me. I struggle with it financially, yet always make it work. Gavin started kindergarten this year,Landyn is in 1st grade and Ashtin in 3rd. They all have AWESOME teachers which I couldn't be happier about. Poor Landyn broke his arm the 2nd day of school on the monkey bars. Surgery and all, and now we are dealing with a cast. He is doing great with it, I am more of the worry wart! Gavin has gotten more and more sassy, and I just don't know what to do with him most days! Ashtin is emotional and likes to hide it all. I worry the most about him. But I am lucky, all the boys are super intelligent, Landyn they are evening discussing a gifted program.. Don't know how I feel about that, we will have to see. The boys do pretty well with all of the changes and struggles, ashtin is the one that takes everything the hardest. People say kids are resilient, yet I think it depends on the age and their personality. I feel like I have let him down and this is something he will never get over.... I hear I hate you at least twice a week. I know when the kids get older, they will understand more, but for now, I have let him down and I am the worst mom ever for taking his dad away.... And that will continue to hurt me until he realizes it was for the best. How he feels down the road does not make now any easier.

Do I ever wonder if I should have just stayed and been miserable to make them happy? Of course I do. I also wish I had done it sooner so that it would have been easier with them younger, especially Ashtin! Yet it is what it is now, and moving past it and accepting the yuck is what I have to do. I never imagined that it would be this hard though. Emotionally draining and so insecure. Everyone can say "it will get better", and "you can't let the bad run your life", yet they don't have to live it. I have my good and my bad days. I am fabulous at putting on a smile and making everyone believe I have it all figured out, especially the kids! They are the last ones that need to see or deal with anymore of all this. And the sad thing is, it won't get better or easier for at least 13 years. He will continue to have an emotional pull at my heart and moods until I legally don't have to anymore. So until then I might as well just expect that he will be a low life with no job whom can't afford to help raise his children forever!!! And I need to just find a way to deal with it. Why do I let him and all of this run my life!!! Why did I have to pick the crappy marriage? I have always dreamed of love, yet so scared of it, and this is what I got!!! When does it get easier, cuz I just don't know how much longer I can deal... I am at a dark spot that I can't get out of and I am having a hard time masking it lately. My temper is crappy, my mood swings are horrible, all I want to do is sleep when the kids are gone. How do I let myself fall here??? How do I get out???

Anyway, I am in serious need of some me time!! That is soon to come, thank goodness!! I look around at the world and the people around me, and I know it could be so much worse. I know that I have 3 healthy wonderful boys that live me and depend on me! I know that I have a job and lucky in today's economy! Things could be so much worse, yet my struggles are my own and I am just having a hard time with them. I know that I am blessed and I love my family for all of their support!!! Tomorrow I will put on the happy face and be thankful, tonight I am emotional!

I know this blog was all over the board and like a roller coaster, well welcome to the mind and heart of a crazy person!