Friday, November 26, 2010
Is anyone listening??? Has anyone ever been Lisening really????
As I sit here with so many thoughts going through my mind I wonder which is the one that I am allowed to write about.... I had a conversation tonight that I have waited for, for over 13 years......... Someone hates what I went through, and they also can't move past it... So much of my life has been decided on that one moment in time, so much has been lost due to my insecurities and lack of trust. I daily look back and wish I had delt differently and wish I had moved on, yet I didn't. Now I look back on a life of regret and hate for myself for not allowing people I loved in and I may have missed some important things in life.... Did I miss my one "true love" or did I just miss out on an important person that could have made an impression on my life.... So many what ifs, yet I need to look to the future... I feel so much relief right now knowing that I am not the only one holding grudge or pain. I must make a change for myself. I have to care about what happens to me, how I feel about myself, and what will make me happy. I need love in my life and I need happiness. So from this day forward, I will work on me. Not ignoring things, not stuffing it all in, yet just me..... I need that to be happy.... So my goal, to be healthy and care how I look. I will start a life change on food, excercise, and how I see things..... I want to be happy with me. So, God I am back and I will be to see you soon. We spoke tonight, and we will be speaking alot more, and I will be relying on you to help me through this. I am going to put my faith where it needs to be.... Where I know it will be listened to. Thank you for being there for me tonight to not fall apart, yet to build from this.... Help me... I love you
Thursday, October 28, 2010
Where did summer go????
I cannot believe that November 1st is in 4 days..... Yet November is bringing something so wonderful, the 3 little additions to our family. Matt & Terri are having the babies monday at 1030am. I am so excited for them. They have been waiting for such a long time. I just can't wait to hold a little infant again, and spoil them rotten.
Ashtin is turning 7 next weekend. This year he decided that he wanted to have a friend only party, which I was happy about. That is so much cheaper.... Feeding our family and friends is not cheap. So we are doing a Halloween theme party and the kids are dressing up and going on a hayride. I had to invite his whole class, so we'll see who comes.... Please don't let it be all 23........ Yet he is growing up so fast. He keeps trying to get me to help him wiggle his teeth, cuz he still has yet to lose one. He is reading at the 2nd grade level his teacher says and has been sending home harder books for him. He loves to read. Could sit there forever. He really does great in all his homework. It is something he is excited about. For now that is... LOL. Next week he also starts basketball at the YMCA and will actually be playing 5 on 5 games and practices. I am so sick of these clinics for younger kids where they seem to learn nothing for all the money we pay... So hopefully this goes better. He loves basketball and can't wait. Games are every saturday for anyone who wants to come watch.
Landyn will be turning 5 in December. And what does that mean to me??? Another kid out of daycare next fall. Yes, it has come to that being my excitement... When it costs $700 a month for 2 kids fulltime and one b4 and after school. It gets costly. I do have to say it is cheaper in wooster than it ever was in Cleveland, than goodness. Back to Landyn, he is growing up so fast too, yet his little devil on his shoulder just keeps growing up with him. LOL. He is still so mischievious, and so sweet at the same time. He has my crooked grin. Unlike Ashtin, I can barely get Landyn to sit down and practice his writing and math. So he will be my struggle.
And then there is mommys little baby... LOL Gavin is growing up into Landyn. God help me. He is such a little stink........... He thinks if he just grins at me he is golden and gets away with everything. That is probably my own fault. Yet he is catching on to the boys quick and is anxious to learn and be just like his big brothers. So that could help in the future. Gavin will be 4 in January. Yes, I do have 3 birthdays and Christmas in the next 3 months.... UGH.
So onto me now a days.... I have good ones, and bad ones. Money sucks, I have gained some weight back from being unhappy, and I just feel overwhelmed ALOT. Yet on a good note. I got a new Van with the help of Max. He found a good deal, and I still owe him some, yet it came right when I needed it.I have the best family in the world. Everyone has been so much help with the boys, and just seem to know right when I need a break. We never go without the most important things, and noboday would ever let me fail. Matt, seems to be a saint most days. He has a prego wife, 3 on the way, and still does his best at helping me with everything. Especially a listening ear.... Nobody really knows but him. And thankfully for Matt & Terri I have really made some great friends and they too have just been amazing support. So overall, that is what gets me through the days. Something that I have tried hard lately to remember is that, I am allowed to have bad days or just have days where it hurts. Yet if I let that take over me and who I am, I will get lost in it. I need to stay positive for me, and if that doesn't rub off on others, I can't let it bring me down too. I have to seperate myself from the negotivity and push through it. Because being mad, angry, and just feeling hateful everyday is not going to make it better. So those others can stay that way, and they can live that way, I will just seperate myself from it and be better than that and that will show my children the right way to live.
So, what is next. I have no frickin idea. Yet I do know that I want it to be a new year with some sunshine and grace. Nobody is going to be interested in this fat girl whom is depressed. So, I am working on me. And hopefully someone along the way will make me believe that there is unconditional love without me screwing it up....LOL
Ashtin is turning 7 next weekend. This year he decided that he wanted to have a friend only party, which I was happy about. That is so much cheaper.... Feeding our family and friends is not cheap. So we are doing a Halloween theme party and the kids are dressing up and going on a hayride. I had to invite his whole class, so we'll see who comes.... Please don't let it be all 23........ Yet he is growing up so fast. He keeps trying to get me to help him wiggle his teeth, cuz he still has yet to lose one. He is reading at the 2nd grade level his teacher says and has been sending home harder books for him. He loves to read. Could sit there forever. He really does great in all his homework. It is something he is excited about. For now that is... LOL. Next week he also starts basketball at the YMCA and will actually be playing 5 on 5 games and practices. I am so sick of these clinics for younger kids where they seem to learn nothing for all the money we pay... So hopefully this goes better. He loves basketball and can't wait. Games are every saturday for anyone who wants to come watch.
Landyn will be turning 5 in December. And what does that mean to me??? Another kid out of daycare next fall. Yes, it has come to that being my excitement... When it costs $700 a month for 2 kids fulltime and one b4 and after school. It gets costly. I do have to say it is cheaper in wooster than it ever was in Cleveland, than goodness. Back to Landyn, he is growing up so fast too, yet his little devil on his shoulder just keeps growing up with him. LOL. He is still so mischievious, and so sweet at the same time. He has my crooked grin. Unlike Ashtin, I can barely get Landyn to sit down and practice his writing and math. So he will be my struggle.
And then there is mommys little baby... LOL Gavin is growing up into Landyn. God help me. He is such a little stink........... He thinks if he just grins at me he is golden and gets away with everything. That is probably my own fault. Yet he is catching on to the boys quick and is anxious to learn and be just like his big brothers. So that could help in the future. Gavin will be 4 in January. Yes, I do have 3 birthdays and Christmas in the next 3 months.... UGH.
So onto me now a days.... I have good ones, and bad ones. Money sucks, I have gained some weight back from being unhappy, and I just feel overwhelmed ALOT. Yet on a good note. I got a new Van with the help of Max. He found a good deal, and I still owe him some, yet it came right when I needed it.I have the best family in the world. Everyone has been so much help with the boys, and just seem to know right when I need a break. We never go without the most important things, and noboday would ever let me fail. Matt, seems to be a saint most days. He has a prego wife, 3 on the way, and still does his best at helping me with everything. Especially a listening ear.... Nobody really knows but him. And thankfully for Matt & Terri I have really made some great friends and they too have just been amazing support. So overall, that is what gets me through the days. Something that I have tried hard lately to remember is that, I am allowed to have bad days or just have days where it hurts. Yet if I let that take over me and who I am, I will get lost in it. I need to stay positive for me, and if that doesn't rub off on others, I can't let it bring me down too. I have to seperate myself from the negotivity and push through it. Because being mad, angry, and just feeling hateful everyday is not going to make it better. So those others can stay that way, and they can live that way, I will just seperate myself from it and be better than that and that will show my children the right way to live.
So, what is next. I have no frickin idea. Yet I do know that I want it to be a new year with some sunshine and grace. Nobody is going to be interested in this fat girl whom is depressed. So, I am working on me. And hopefully someone along the way will make me believe that there is unconditional love without me screwing it up....LOL
Friday, August 20, 2010
Long time since last blog....
I have felt for so long that I have so much to write about, yet just haven't made the time while on someone elses computer. Yes, I still do not have internet..... I can't believe that summer is almost gone, and Ashtin is starting first grade this monday.... We have open house tonight to meet his new teacher. He seems excited, yet scared to have all new people in a new class. I had to apply for open enrollment to keep Ashtin at the same school he started in at Wooster and thankfully it went through and he stayed. I would have felt horrible to have him move another school again since our apartment was a different elementary for Wooster. But all is well, and he is at the same school and the other 2 crazy men start their new preschool classes on Monday too. They seem to be more excited than anything. Yet Ashtin just has a different personality and may just show it less. LOL.
So, since the last time I wrote things have gotten better. I am now working full time at Woodwright, which is Easterday & Co. That is the business that my brothers inlaws own. We make stains & wood coatings. I really enjoy it, and love being a part of something again.... I started out working in the back lifting heavy buckets and doing harder work, yet now I am training on some stuff with inventory and trucking and working more in the office. Only bad thing is that I lost some weight while in the back sweating too death, and now in the office I think I am putting it back on. LOL. Yet I do love it. My brother is my boss, and his wifes parents have been wonderful to me for giving me this chance.... I actually just got to do my first furniture show this week, and I LOVED it! I think I am just made to talk, imagine that, and put me into some sales, and I loved it..... So hopefully there will be more.
I finally got my day in court, and I am recieving child support... YEAH. Actually they ended up making it more than what I was trying to get him to agree on without having to go through child support services. So that is what he gets. I got $60 in 9 months, and he has done nothing but bitch ever since it started, and he is already almost $1000 behind. IMAGINE THAT!!!
Enough of that though. Exciting stuff is that we are getting ready for 3 little cousins and neices & nephews to join the family. Matt & Terri are having triplets.... 2 girls, Clover & Isabelle, and 1 boys, Xavier. Terri is just over 6 months now, and we are so excited. We threw a big shower for her a couple of weeks ago and it went great. I will get some new pics on here soon...
Got to see Dave Matthews for my birthday present this year from Matt & Terri. Amber Lamb went with me and we had a fun girls night. Plus I got to spend some time with my bestie in Cleveland. I truely miss all my friends that are so far away, yet am so lucky to have them to lean on.... Plus the actual weekend of my birthday I got lucky and went to PA with my family and friends and saw Tom Petty & the Drive By Truckers. We camped for the weekend and had so much fun. I really have been so lucky this year to have everyone I love so close and by my side.
Well, I have nothing else for now. Will get more for you later...
So, since the last time I wrote things have gotten better. I am now working full time at Woodwright, which is Easterday & Co. That is the business that my brothers inlaws own. We make stains & wood coatings. I really enjoy it, and love being a part of something again.... I started out working in the back lifting heavy buckets and doing harder work, yet now I am training on some stuff with inventory and trucking and working more in the office. Only bad thing is that I lost some weight while in the back sweating too death, and now in the office I think I am putting it back on. LOL. Yet I do love it. My brother is my boss, and his wifes parents have been wonderful to me for giving me this chance.... I actually just got to do my first furniture show this week, and I LOVED it! I think I am just made to talk, imagine that, and put me into some sales, and I loved it..... So hopefully there will be more.
I finally got my day in court, and I am recieving child support... YEAH. Actually they ended up making it more than what I was trying to get him to agree on without having to go through child support services. So that is what he gets. I got $60 in 9 months, and he has done nothing but bitch ever since it started, and he is already almost $1000 behind. IMAGINE THAT!!!
Enough of that though. Exciting stuff is that we are getting ready for 3 little cousins and neices & nephews to join the family. Matt & Terri are having triplets.... 2 girls, Clover & Isabelle, and 1 boys, Xavier. Terri is just over 6 months now, and we are so excited. We threw a big shower for her a couple of weeks ago and it went great. I will get some new pics on here soon...
Got to see Dave Matthews for my birthday present this year from Matt & Terri. Amber Lamb went with me and we had a fun girls night. Plus I got to spend some time with my bestie in Cleveland. I truely miss all my friends that are so far away, yet am so lucky to have them to lean on.... Plus the actual weekend of my birthday I got lucky and went to PA with my family and friends and saw Tom Petty & the Drive By Truckers. We camped for the weekend and had so much fun. I really have been so lucky this year to have everyone I love so close and by my side.
Well, I have nothing else for now. Will get more for you later...
Sunday, May 30, 2010
Happy or Sad, that seems to be the question.....
It has been quite some time, yet I don't have internet at home and don't really have anywhere to get on the internet without the kids saying, MOM, MOM, MOM. So you ask where I am right now, I am sitting in my brothers house at almost midnight blogging about my fears.....
The last 8 months have been a crazy hot mess, and for a couple of weeks I thought that I had distanced myself from alittle of it, and yet I feel an anxiety attack awaiting..... After one too many horrible text messages from David and outrageous screaming on the phone I chose to block his number from my phone two weeks ago, coming to the conclusion that he had not called his kids once in 6 weeks, why would he start now. So I did it. So now it had been 8 weeks and he had spoken to them once cuz I forced him to by showing up at his house for fifteen minutes and making him spend alittle time with them while I was in town. So we are at eight weeks and the arising issue of my kids keep coming up for a couple of days with wanting to talk with him, so I let them call him and what happens, he makes plans with them on the phone to go camping without asking me. So yes, if I don't let them go I am the bad guy. And the whole reason he hasn't been allowed to have his kids overnight is cuz of the HORRIBLE mess his house was and they were sleeping on floors. So I buckled and let them go knowing that his parents would be there and they would be feeding them. So as the day goes on, he kept putting off coming to get them, yet figured out a way on the internet to call my phone through a computer service from his phone. Jack Ass. No rush or hurry to get the kids, yet had time for that...... Then proceeds to call me and start a fight with me and get me all worked up. Then shouts, fine he isn't coming to get them........ WHY, why do I keep putting myself in these positions..... Long story short, it took my brother calling him to put alittle fear in him, to get him to realize that his kids are the most important thing and to drop the shit and take care of things. He finally shows up almost 10 hours later to get them, yet I had to meet him somewhere cuz he is afraid of my family and he just ruins my whole day....... Then icing on the cake. He says, he has plans in cleveland and he will have to bring them back after one day of visiting with them......
The last 8 months have been a crazy hot mess, and for a couple of weeks I thought that I had distanced myself from alittle of it, and yet I feel an anxiety attack awaiting..... After one too many horrible text messages from David and outrageous screaming on the phone I chose to block his number from my phone two weeks ago, coming to the conclusion that he had not called his kids once in 6 weeks, why would he start now. So I did it. So now it had been 8 weeks and he had spoken to them once cuz I forced him to by showing up at his house for fifteen minutes and making him spend alittle time with them while I was in town. So we are at eight weeks and the arising issue of my kids keep coming up for a couple of days with wanting to talk with him, so I let them call him and what happens, he makes plans with them on the phone to go camping without asking me. So yes, if I don't let them go I am the bad guy. And the whole reason he hasn't been allowed to have his kids overnight is cuz of the HORRIBLE mess his house was and they were sleeping on floors. So I buckled and let them go knowing that his parents would be there and they would be feeding them. So as the day goes on, he kept putting off coming to get them, yet figured out a way on the internet to call my phone through a computer service from his phone. Jack Ass. No rush or hurry to get the kids, yet had time for that...... Then proceeds to call me and start a fight with me and get me all worked up. Then shouts, fine he isn't coming to get them........ WHY, why do I keep putting myself in these positions..... Long story short, it took my brother calling him to put alittle fear in him, to get him to realize that his kids are the most important thing and to drop the shit and take care of things. He finally shows up almost 10 hours later to get them, yet I had to meet him somewhere cuz he is afraid of my family and he just ruins my whole day....... Then icing on the cake. He says, he has plans in cleveland and he will have to bring them back after one day of visiting with them......
Friday, February 26, 2010
My New Chapter has begun!
Hello, Hello. I know, where have I been!!! I do not have internet just yet, and I am waiting to see how the rest of my bills and utilities pan out before ordering it. So for now I am stealing time on family computers until then, and needless to say, it is few and far between.
We had such a wonderful and blessed Christmas with such an amazing family that truely is my backbone. Not only did the boys get mommy jewelry and a picture of them, yet I also got a new video ipod. Thank you everyone for helping them shop. I missed Christmas's with my family and it is so nice to have them back. The boys got a wii and lots of wonderful gifts to start adding to their new rooms. They really did enjoy Christmas and the whole holiday.....
Ringing in New Years was interesting, yet I would never have done it any other way!!! Matt & Terri were wonderful enough to share their New Years with me and we went out on the town. Awesome dinner at CW's, all u can eat prime rib, then off to the olde Jaole then to some hole in the wall place that needless to say was fun and entertaining. It was truely a great way to start my new year....
January was filled with so many decisions and choices to make, yet they all led me to where I am now. IN MY OWN PLACE!!! I miss Matt & Terri and we were truely happy being there with them, but an offer came available that I just couldn't pass up. I found a 3 bedroom, 2 full bath apartment for $600 month!!! It is big enough for all of us, and the deal was just too great to pass up. I got a special of no deposit and 2nd months rent free..... So, I saved myself $1200 and it just seemed so right... I had been praying for things to lead me in the right direction and they just seem to be right before my eyes. When one thing comes to an end and I wonder what is next, I truely am amazed to see what comes. It is like God is walking me in the right direction and showing me the way to go......
So now it is Febuary 26th and the kids and I are fully moved in, the place is all clean, all decorated, and we even got new livingroom furniture. Everything just seemed to be in place and I may have had to work alittle to make it what I wanted, yet it looks great now and it is perfect for us..... Ashtin loves his own room and the boys are adjusting to being upstairs alone since my master bedroom is on the first floor. I LOVE THAT.....
Ashtin had his second parent teacher conference and he is tied for 1st ranking in his class. He is reading on a first grade level and is just loving school. He comes home and reads, works on math or any other book he can get ahold of. His teacher just raves about him all of the time.... Landyn and Gavin go to the same preschool yet in different classrooms. I recently had conferences with both of their teachers and they are doing great also. Landyn is just being Landyn, LOL, and Gavin is loved by all. Imagine that with those big blue eyes.... They are really adjusting well and things are getting easier with them and the changes that have been made. They are just growing up so fast.
One last thing, I took on a new job today for 4 days a week. I am officially working at Woodwright with Terri's family. Matt & Terri both work there with Terri's family and they have been great enough to bring me aboard. Hopefully in the future it turns fulltime, yet for now it is perfect and I am excited for the new challenge. I have just been so blessed with all that I have prayed for and so lucky to have such a wonderful family and friends.....
Oh, and as for me.... I can honestly say that even though I have my moments or days, I am happier than ever and really happy to have my boys..... Life is good and even happier.....
Love you all
We had such a wonderful and blessed Christmas with such an amazing family that truely is my backbone. Not only did the boys get mommy jewelry and a picture of them, yet I also got a new video ipod. Thank you everyone for helping them shop. I missed Christmas's with my family and it is so nice to have them back. The boys got a wii and lots of wonderful gifts to start adding to their new rooms. They really did enjoy Christmas and the whole holiday.....
Ringing in New Years was interesting, yet I would never have done it any other way!!! Matt & Terri were wonderful enough to share their New Years with me and we went out on the town. Awesome dinner at CW's, all u can eat prime rib, then off to the olde Jaole then to some hole in the wall place that needless to say was fun and entertaining. It was truely a great way to start my new year....
January was filled with so many decisions and choices to make, yet they all led me to where I am now. IN MY OWN PLACE!!! I miss Matt & Terri and we were truely happy being there with them, but an offer came available that I just couldn't pass up. I found a 3 bedroom, 2 full bath apartment for $600 month!!! It is big enough for all of us, and the deal was just too great to pass up. I got a special of no deposit and 2nd months rent free..... So, I saved myself $1200 and it just seemed so right... I had been praying for things to lead me in the right direction and they just seem to be right before my eyes. When one thing comes to an end and I wonder what is next, I truely am amazed to see what comes. It is like God is walking me in the right direction and showing me the way to go......
So now it is Febuary 26th and the kids and I are fully moved in, the place is all clean, all decorated, and we even got new livingroom furniture. Everything just seemed to be in place and I may have had to work alittle to make it what I wanted, yet it looks great now and it is perfect for us..... Ashtin loves his own room and the boys are adjusting to being upstairs alone since my master bedroom is on the first floor. I LOVE THAT.....
Ashtin had his second parent teacher conference and he is tied for 1st ranking in his class. He is reading on a first grade level and is just loving school. He comes home and reads, works on math or any other book he can get ahold of. His teacher just raves about him all of the time.... Landyn and Gavin go to the same preschool yet in different classrooms. I recently had conferences with both of their teachers and they are doing great also. Landyn is just being Landyn, LOL, and Gavin is loved by all. Imagine that with those big blue eyes.... They are really adjusting well and things are getting easier with them and the changes that have been made. They are just growing up so fast.
One last thing, I took on a new job today for 4 days a week. I am officially working at Woodwright with Terri's family. Matt & Terri both work there with Terri's family and they have been great enough to bring me aboard. Hopefully in the future it turns fulltime, yet for now it is perfect and I am excited for the new challenge. I have just been so blessed with all that I have prayed for and so lucky to have such a wonderful family and friends.....
Oh, and as for me.... I can honestly say that even though I have my moments or days, I am happier than ever and really happy to have my boys..... Life is good and even happier.....
Love you all
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