Waking up this way is unbareable. I am losing myself in all of this and I don't know how to pull myself out. I find myself not wanting to get out of bed, not caring what my house looks like, and not wanting to cook, not wanting to put makeup on or do my hair, and just not wanting to socialize.... I just don't know what to do. It is so easy to sit back and say, I want to feel great every morning for my kids, I want to go to the gym every day to lose weight, I want to find a new job, I want so many things, yet all of the bad keeps piling up..... I just cannot pull myself up anymore. I don't know what to do. I keep saying I want something good to happen, yet good things happen alot, they just don't mask all of the bad. Nobobdy knows all of it, nobody realizes how bad it really is. They hear me vent here and there, yet live all of it piled up one day yourself.... Gavin tells me yesterday, mommy when are we going to have our own house so that we can have our bikes there and nobody will throw all of their trash on the ground.... What do I say, when mommy gets a new job and can afford it.... They don't understand. Now I have to send Landyn to kindergarten half day because I can't afford Woosters $190 month fee for all day kindergarten. So my son will suffer and enter 1st grade behind because I can't afford it. And Ashtin, he just wants to see his dad all of the time and I am the one that has to support him and explain it all of the time and be the bad guy.... So he thinks it's my fault, and cries and tells me he hates me. Yes one day he will understand that it is not my fault, yet living with it now still hurts so much.....
That is the emotional, yet what about all of the physical and financial.... I can't even begin to list or tell anyone. I am lost, and I just can't find my way out. I hope there is an end to this soon, or a new beginning that will brighten it all up. I love my faith, yet lately it has been so hard, yet I know I have not given enough to be angry. Yet who needs more anger in an already angry situation.
This is me today, this is how I am feeling, this is how I am living..... And if you read this, thank you for listening.
Wednesday, May 25, 2011
Sunday, May 1, 2011
Just another day in my Life
Hello Friends (and Nosey people too, LOL)!!!
I really haven't written in awhile and I have felt like it so many days, yet I don't have the internet, so I have started a new journal to get me through most days. The days just seem to fly by and I don't know where they go. I feel crazy busy all of the time, yet when I am not busy I curl up in a ball and sit home, and the next day regret not getting together with friends or just being social. I really have lost many great realationships that I have and miss so many friends due to my anger & depression with life. I don't feel that I am persay depressed, yet life depresses me to a point that I let it take me over most days. Who wants to be around someone like that, so I stay to myself. Plus I feel like all I have to talk about is depressing and bad, and who wants to hear about that all of the time........
Well, I am trying so hard to get out of that bubble and I am hoping that spring helps. So I am going to give you a tid bit of what is going on in my life and not go into much sadness with it all so that this isn't too yucky. I just lost my job and I have entered the jobless market again, lost over 70% of my childsupport for my 3 boys because their father had lost his job in November and still has found nothing, still living in Wooster, which I like, yet wish I could find a nice house to rent because our apartment complex leaves much to be desired, and I am lucky enough to have a great support system whom helps me get through it all.
Some of you may not know, yet my grandpa (grumpy) has cancer. He has had a couple of masses removed from his blatter, but they are growing back at a faster rate. He is not eligable for radiation, and the surgery to remove his bladder is like 5-6 hours, and he doesn't want chemo. So, they family is trying to help him decide what the best option is, and the doctors are not real sure on the surgery from what I am told. And they will not remove any more masses I believe. The big "C" just sucks, and I love him so much. Since losing my grandma 3 years ago, I have really been dredding this day..... My grandparents are just amazing, and my grandmother and I just had such a special bond. It is was the first person close to me that I have ever lost, I have been so lucky. I do have happiness in knowing that Grandpa really isn't in much pain and still drives around and stays active. I love him so much.
Lately I have been trying to help out at my grandma Gini's house. She lives in Ashland and I have helping around her house to make some extra money and to just keep busy. It is nice spending time with her since she really doesnt' get out of the house much anyway. She is battling dementia, and it seems to be progressing quite quickly which sucks. I have some stories believe me..... Gotta Love her, and just know that it is the disease.
The boys are doing great. Ashtin is ending basketball and starting baseball. His last basketball game actually is the same date and time as his first baseball game. Oh what to do.... He is finishing up first grade, and I just signed Landyn up for Kindergarten.... They are growing up so fast. And they are so different.
Well, I am going to just keep chugging along, and hope that the sun gets brighter day by day......
I really haven't written in awhile and I have felt like it so many days, yet I don't have the internet, so I have started a new journal to get me through most days. The days just seem to fly by and I don't know where they go. I feel crazy busy all of the time, yet when I am not busy I curl up in a ball and sit home, and the next day regret not getting together with friends or just being social. I really have lost many great realationships that I have and miss so many friends due to my anger & depression with life. I don't feel that I am persay depressed, yet life depresses me to a point that I let it take me over most days. Who wants to be around someone like that, so I stay to myself. Plus I feel like all I have to talk about is depressing and bad, and who wants to hear about that all of the time........
Well, I am trying so hard to get out of that bubble and I am hoping that spring helps. So I am going to give you a tid bit of what is going on in my life and not go into much sadness with it all so that this isn't too yucky. I just lost my job and I have entered the jobless market again, lost over 70% of my childsupport for my 3 boys because their father had lost his job in November and still has found nothing, still living in Wooster, which I like, yet wish I could find a nice house to rent because our apartment complex leaves much to be desired, and I am lucky enough to have a great support system whom helps me get through it all.
Some of you may not know, yet my grandpa (grumpy) has cancer. He has had a couple of masses removed from his blatter, but they are growing back at a faster rate. He is not eligable for radiation, and the surgery to remove his bladder is like 5-6 hours, and he doesn't want chemo. So, they family is trying to help him decide what the best option is, and the doctors are not real sure on the surgery from what I am told. And they will not remove any more masses I believe. The big "C" just sucks, and I love him so much. Since losing my grandma 3 years ago, I have really been dredding this day..... My grandparents are just amazing, and my grandmother and I just had such a special bond. It is was the first person close to me that I have ever lost, I have been so lucky. I do have happiness in knowing that Grandpa really isn't in much pain and still drives around and stays active. I love him so much.
Lately I have been trying to help out at my grandma Gini's house. She lives in Ashland and I have helping around her house to make some extra money and to just keep busy. It is nice spending time with her since she really doesnt' get out of the house much anyway. She is battling dementia, and it seems to be progressing quite quickly which sucks. I have some stories believe me..... Gotta Love her, and just know that it is the disease.
The boys are doing great. Ashtin is ending basketball and starting baseball. His last basketball game actually is the same date and time as his first baseball game. Oh what to do.... He is finishing up first grade, and I just signed Landyn up for Kindergarten.... They are growing up so fast. And they are so different.
Well, I am going to just keep chugging along, and hope that the sun gets brighter day by day......
Triplets!!!!!
Cousins
Isabelle Joy, Clover May, Xavier Matthew
Xavier & Ashtin
Isabelle, Xavier, Clover 4 month photo shoot
Babcock Family
Ashtin & Clover
 |
| Landyn & Clover |
Me & Clover
Me & Triplets
Xavier
The Babcock Babies are 6 Months old Today!!!!! I just love them all so much!
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)
