Hurt

Waking up this way is unbareable. I am losing myself in all of this and I don't know how to pull myself out. I find myself not wanting to get out of bed, not caring what my house looks like, and not wanting to cook, not wanting to put makeup on or do my hair, and just not wanting to socialize.... I just don't know what to do. It is so easy to sit back and say, I want to feel great every morning for my kids, I want to go to the gym every day to lose weight, I want to find a new job, I want so many things, yet all of the bad keeps piling up..... I just cannot pull myself up anymore. I don't know what to do. I keep saying I want something good to happen, yet good things happen alot, they just don't mask all of the bad. Nobobdy knows all of it, nobody realizes how bad it really is. They hear me vent here and there, yet live all of it piled up one day yourself.... Gavin tells me yesterday, mommy when are we going to have our own house so that we can have our bikes there and nobody will throw all of their trash on the ground.... What do I say, when mommy gets a new job and can afford it.... They don't understand. Now I have to send Landyn to kindergarten half day because I can't afford Woosters $190 month fee for all day kindergarten. So my son will suffer and enter 1st grade behind because I can't afford it. And Ashtin, he just wants to see his dad all of the time and I am the one that has to support him and explain it all of the time and be the bad guy.... So he thinks it's my fault, and cries and tells me he hates me. Yes one day he will understand that it is not my fault, yet living with it now still hurts so much.....

That is the emotional, yet what about all of the physical and financial.... I can't even begin to list or tell anyone. I am lost, and I just can't find my way out. I hope there is an end to this soon, or a new beginning that will brighten it all up. I love my faith, yet lately it has been so hard, yet I know I have not given enough to be angry. Yet who needs more anger in an already angry situation.

This is me today, this is how I am feeling, this is how I am living..... And if you read this, thank you for listening.