Old Friend

So recently I have reconnected with an old friend that I hadn't spoken with in over 2 years. So when she had asked me to do a girls day and meet halfway to catch up and do pedicures & nails I was in. Who knew that it would make me think so much.....

As we sat there today I was looking at her remembering her from the past, she looked great! I asked alot of questions about her life and how it had been and she spoke of her new love & her son alot.... As we spoke I realized why she looked so great to me, she was finally truely happy. She had a glow about her and spoke like she had so many things in place that may not have been there before. Then she talked about something that kinda struck a nerve with me... She said that she had lost her job and gotten into a bad routine.. She saw herself one day and didn't like where she had gotten. She said that she had to pull herself up and take steps to make things better....

So that is kinda the crossroads that I am at right now. I look at myself in the mirror and hate what I see that I have let myself become. I either don't wear makeup or wear too much to try to make myself feel better, I sleep whenever I can, I hate putting on nice clothes and I am soooo insecure about the way that I look now... I have done this too myself. So until I change that one step at a time, it is never going to get better... So for the past few weeks I have felt alittle selfish cuz I went and bought myself a few new outfits, got my nails done, got a massage, and today I got a pedicure. Was it alittle selfish money wise, yes. But did it make me feel better, yes. I did something for me that made me feel better and feel prettier.

Everyone always says, Sam your beautiful, you are not fat, anyone would be stupid to not want to be with you, and so on... Yet I don't see myself that way, and until I do, things won't get better.... I was so use to being able to be 135 lbs all the time no matter what I ate and never had to work out and never had to try to get attention from men.... That is a brave thing to say, I know, yet you know what I mean.. So now I have put on weight and I feel unhappy and uncute.... So I need to spend more time on me and be selfish, maybe not so expensive all the time, yet find ways to do it every once in awhile. And on top of all of that, I need to make healthy choices in my life.. No diet per say, yet healthy choices.... Cuz this fat is not going to go anywhere all by itself.....