Wednesday, October 26, 2011
Halloween 2011
The kids and I had so much fun at our friends Halloween Party. It was the perfect way to get in the Halloween spirit and get ready for trick or treat! The kids had so much fun with all of the games & goodies, along with scarey stories by the fire & themed food. Here are a few pics to share our fun.
Monday, October 24, 2011
Since I can't write you, this will do....
I am writing this to try and clear my mind of all of my thoughts. I guess we will be connected forever no matter what I do, so some now I need to release... When we found each other again 9 1/2 years ago, I never in my mind thought this is who you would turn out to be. I found my fairytale that I had been looking for, my forever. You promised me the world, and that you would do anything to make us happy. As married couples do, I found things that upset me or even made me doubt alittle. Yet I thought we would always work through everything and that in the end Love would be enough... Yet something changed, it was like you woke up one morning a totally different person. Now that I look back I see some of the turning points that may have pushed you over the edge. Your best friend since the 1st grade commited suicide, and you took it so hard. Then we found out that I was pregnant for Gavin which stressed you out financially... Then your dealership of 10+ years shut down right before Gavin was born.
Life is stressful, and nothing is perfect, yet why did you have to give up on us and our family... You shut down and retreated to other things that just made it worse. I worked my hardest at my job to make us better financially and emotionally, yet you kept giving up. You wouldn't fight with me. I gave you so many chances, so many times you said that you were going to change or fix things, yet you didn't. When I came home to my kids running their own house and you in bed with what you were doing, you would think that was my breaking point, yet no... I gave you time to get better and continued to pay for sitters while you laid in bed for months.... So I left, feeling like I was the bad one giving up on you. The whole time I felt like I was suppose to stay, that was my duty. You quickly got yourself together and came after us. I thought that maybe this ment you realized what you did, and that I woke you up when I left. So we came back... And I tried so hard for months, and lied to everyone around me saying how great you were doing. I threw you a big party and faked so much so that I didn't look like a failure, yet deep down I felt like one.... So 8 months later we left for good and you blame everything on me. You never grew up, or were a real husband or father....
So now it has been 2 years since we split, and legally I am still bound to you because you will not sign any paperwork together for a disolution, or come to an agreement so that we can do what we can afford.... So I have to wait till I can afford an attorney to fight you, which will be never because you barely help me with your kids.... How do you sit on your ass for over a year now with no job and not have some remorse for your kids struggling. How do you think $75 a week for 3 kids is enough for food, clothes, preschool, activities in school, and part of their living costs. How do you think this works????? How do you live with yourself???? For the first 3 months you barely tried to make time for your kids, then when I saw your house I realized why. It was disguisting and you had made such a mess and trashed the place. So yes, I wouldn't let you see them until you got your shit together. Who lives that way!!! 3 months later I come to inspect your house and let you make amends and from that point on it has been nothing but a fight. You get to be this "Disney Dad" and have them 2 fun days a week and let them sleep wherever, do whatever, play video games 24 hours straight, watch tv in bed, no rules, act out, eat whatever, drink caffeine, no baths or changing clothes... So they just love being with you while I have to have bedtimes, no tv in bed, get up early for school, limit video games for homework, encourage extra curricular activities, no pop & candy all day long, and make them go outside.... And all along you have no job, which is hard right now, yet do what you have to do... How do you think I get school clothes and shoes. How do I pay rent & bills. You live in a free house cuz you aren't working and your parents aren't making you pay, all of your utilities are shut off. So you just spoil them instead of helping with sport fees, shoes, clothes, class parties,school supplies, preschool costs EVERYTHING!!! Grow up and get a side job, help me!!! Don't you see that people do what they have to do. If you can't afford shit, sell the house, sell one of the 5 video game systems you have, sell a car, DO SOMETHING TO HELP ME!!! Stop buying them new video games, candy, movies, and toys...... Help me buy a new coat or shoes for basketball, or something!! I am begging you to take responsibility and help. Be a man..
So now this week, you haven't answered one of my texts or any of the kids phone calls. What makes you think you can pick and choose when you are going to be a dad. You NEVER answer their calls, what parent wouldn't want to talk to his kids everyday... You buy them Halloween costumes yet won't let them bring them to my house for a halloween party or HALLOWEEN since it's on a school night. How is that fair??? Yet, the kids think all of this is my fault. You say things and let them believe that I did all of this. They say, "daddy says you take all of his money", "daddy said you made us move", "we watch tv at bedtime with daddy", "daddy says it's a secret and if we tell you he will have to take it away", "daddy's house is more fun and we don't have to go to bed early", "DADDY IS MORE FUN"... Well I can't wait for my kids to grow up and realize the loser you are and what I did for them, and how you contributed.... Where is the right time to say you are harmful to them.
Where is the line drawn? When is it enough to say no more? This is how what I thought was my "lifetime love" treats me... I am not perfect, and nor do I say I am. Yet actions speak louder than words and your actions have destroyed me. Yet I realize now that I was blinded by what I thought was love, and instead it was obligation... I created my fairytale to feel better about the situation. I wanted it so bad, that I grew to love the idea of it. The idea that I trusted someone that much, and that I opened up. Yet I never did. And thank goodness, cuz where would I be if I had. Worse off than I am now.... So if you can't grow up and you can't be a good father, then go away. I would rather you not be here at all..... Playing with your kids 6-8 days a month isn't a good dad... Helping them grow up and nurturing them does. Putting them down the right path and creating a good life and future does. That is what I am trying to do. And until you can do these things, you are not a good father.... Please Grow Up Before It is Too Late!
Life is stressful, and nothing is perfect, yet why did you have to give up on us and our family... You shut down and retreated to other things that just made it worse. I worked my hardest at my job to make us better financially and emotionally, yet you kept giving up. You wouldn't fight with me. I gave you so many chances, so many times you said that you were going to change or fix things, yet you didn't. When I came home to my kids running their own house and you in bed with what you were doing, you would think that was my breaking point, yet no... I gave you time to get better and continued to pay for sitters while you laid in bed for months.... So I left, feeling like I was the bad one giving up on you. The whole time I felt like I was suppose to stay, that was my duty. You quickly got yourself together and came after us. I thought that maybe this ment you realized what you did, and that I woke you up when I left. So we came back... And I tried so hard for months, and lied to everyone around me saying how great you were doing. I threw you a big party and faked so much so that I didn't look like a failure, yet deep down I felt like one.... So 8 months later we left for good and you blame everything on me. You never grew up, or were a real husband or father....
So now it has been 2 years since we split, and legally I am still bound to you because you will not sign any paperwork together for a disolution, or come to an agreement so that we can do what we can afford.... So I have to wait till I can afford an attorney to fight you, which will be never because you barely help me with your kids.... How do you sit on your ass for over a year now with no job and not have some remorse for your kids struggling. How do you think $75 a week for 3 kids is enough for food, clothes, preschool, activities in school, and part of their living costs. How do you think this works????? How do you live with yourself???? For the first 3 months you barely tried to make time for your kids, then when I saw your house I realized why. It was disguisting and you had made such a mess and trashed the place. So yes, I wouldn't let you see them until you got your shit together. Who lives that way!!! 3 months later I come to inspect your house and let you make amends and from that point on it has been nothing but a fight. You get to be this "Disney Dad" and have them 2 fun days a week and let them sleep wherever, do whatever, play video games 24 hours straight, watch tv in bed, no rules, act out, eat whatever, drink caffeine, no baths or changing clothes... So they just love being with you while I have to have bedtimes, no tv in bed, get up early for school, limit video games for homework, encourage extra curricular activities, no pop & candy all day long, and make them go outside.... And all along you have no job, which is hard right now, yet do what you have to do... How do you think I get school clothes and shoes. How do I pay rent & bills. You live in a free house cuz you aren't working and your parents aren't making you pay, all of your utilities are shut off. So you just spoil them instead of helping with sport fees, shoes, clothes, class parties,school supplies, preschool costs EVERYTHING!!! Grow up and get a side job, help me!!! Don't you see that people do what they have to do. If you can't afford shit, sell the house, sell one of the 5 video game systems you have, sell a car, DO SOMETHING TO HELP ME!!! Stop buying them new video games, candy, movies, and toys...... Help me buy a new coat or shoes for basketball, or something!! I am begging you to take responsibility and help. Be a man..
So now this week, you haven't answered one of my texts or any of the kids phone calls. What makes you think you can pick and choose when you are going to be a dad. You NEVER answer their calls, what parent wouldn't want to talk to his kids everyday... You buy them Halloween costumes yet won't let them bring them to my house for a halloween party or HALLOWEEN since it's on a school night. How is that fair??? Yet, the kids think all of this is my fault. You say things and let them believe that I did all of this. They say, "daddy says you take all of his money", "daddy said you made us move", "we watch tv at bedtime with daddy", "daddy says it's a secret and if we tell you he will have to take it away", "daddy's house is more fun and we don't have to go to bed early", "DADDY IS MORE FUN"... Well I can't wait for my kids to grow up and realize the loser you are and what I did for them, and how you contributed.... Where is the right time to say you are harmful to them.
Where is the line drawn? When is it enough to say no more? This is how what I thought was my "lifetime love" treats me... I am not perfect, and nor do I say I am. Yet actions speak louder than words and your actions have destroyed me. Yet I realize now that I was blinded by what I thought was love, and instead it was obligation... I created my fairytale to feel better about the situation. I wanted it so bad, that I grew to love the idea of it. The idea that I trusted someone that much, and that I opened up. Yet I never did. And thank goodness, cuz where would I be if I had. Worse off than I am now.... So if you can't grow up and you can't be a good father, then go away. I would rather you not be here at all..... Playing with your kids 6-8 days a month isn't a good dad... Helping them grow up and nurturing them does. Putting them down the right path and creating a good life and future does. That is what I am trying to do. And until you can do these things, you are not a good father.... Please Grow Up Before It is Too Late!
Sunday, October 16, 2011
After all this time.
I lay here not wanting to get out of bed, last night it took me so long to fall asleep with memories running through my head. I grew up here, I worked here, I learned to water ski here, I lived here in the summer, I met lifetime friends here, I had so many firsts here, and they all contain you. This place brought us together which I thought was going to be my ever after... Then I come to see fairytales are not real and you still get a heart break. And I wonder why I have zero trust in life and have so much heartache. So as I laid here last night I remembered all the good and got sad to all night tears, yet you don't deserve my tears. Only my memories do... Life is full of regrets and mistakes, yet moving past them seems to be the hardest part of life.. So if being feet from my kids and not being able to spend time with them for 2 days is what I have to do to be happy, then so be it.... Because I am their world of security, love, and constant nuturing, not you. I am the sober clean one that does whatever it takes. Knowing all of that is bigger than those memories..... So now I am going to get up and walk these paths and remember the good and what it gave me....
Saturday, October 8, 2011
To do College or Not to do College!
So I got some news on college options tonight and costs, and all the info for school loans.... So now I just need to decide to do it or not to do it... I really think that it will help my self confidence alot, and really help me out of this slump, and it also will possibly help in the job category... If I am qualified or have a degree I may be looked at for jobs in which I never would have before. And the areas of work that I am looking at are things that I always wanted to do and could never do without a degree, so this is a win win... Now just to narrow down the decision of what to do based on my kids, or schedule, and our future. I don't have to be rich as long as I have time for my family and I am able to provide... That is the most important, and that I love what I will be doing. That is huge for me. I want to come home daily and feel satisfied or just happy. Plus I don't think I have the patience and knowledge anymore to spend 4 years in school full time. I need to keep that in mind..... So, what do I want to be when I grow up????? I know what I really want, and always have, yet it seems silly..... I always loved the idea of nursing and helping others, yet the hours suck to make the good money and you have to work lots of longggg shifts. How do I do that with 3 kids and being a single parent.... Then there is teaching with I always loved, yet alot of years in school, but I would have a great schedule with the kids and perfect holiday schedule..... Then there was always more love that I talked about as i grew up and loved to do, Cosmetology... I could get done with school in 12-14 months, not being working late nights, and be alittle more flexable and own my own business down the road, which I have always dreamed about.... So, what do i do.... I just feel alot of relief and comfort knowing that the help is there in grants and loans, and that I would then feel accomplished and feel like I fit somewhere specific.....
Wednesday, October 5, 2011
Welfare!!!
I have this neighbor that the kids love to play with her daughter, and I have talked to her quite a few times and she has been really nice. We talk about our lives alittle and the struggles that we are both going through right now. She also is a single mother, yet her boyfriend lives with her. I have been helping her get to and from work the past 2 days and also dropping her daughter off at preschool and picking her up. Her car has a flat tire and she has not been able to get it fixed until today... So while she is riding with me today she asks me to take her to Job & Family Services so that she can apply for some help and assistance. I take her and she goes in to get the paperwork and comes back out, all the while I am watching people walk in and out and I can not help but judge alittle. Not because they are there, yet because they are walking in smoking cigarettes to get food stamps because they can afford $5 a day in that but not food, and because half of them I see living around me or around town in there "pimped" out cars with nice rims & paint jobs. I know this is wrong, so why do I do it....... So I am hard on myself and said alittle prayer, cuz that is what I have been doing alot lately so that God can help me with all of my short comings.... So she gets in the car, and we are driving home, and we start to talk.... She proceeds to tell me that she has been holding off asking for any assistance from the government, because she grew up in a family where it was taken so much advantage of, that she told herself that she wouldn't do that... She grew up all her life living with parents that lived off of everything they could get for free, so bad that they knew exactly how many hours a week they could work and how much money they could make at a job before quitting and moving on to keep their "free assistance." She did this all her life with them, and even now they do it as elderly. So they have never had a "real" job or tried to live in society as a citizen that paid taxes and supported themselves. Her mother now is an alcoholic, and lives off of welfare and has her whole housing paid for along with food stamps and health insurance.....So now for the first time, she is having to ask for assistance because her ex is not paying his childsupport and she is just struggling. She would have been eligable a long time for help, yet she strived to do it on her own.. And for this I commended her...
Yet, if you know anything about the system, it is hard to get on and it takes forever, yet once you get it, they make it so easy to stay on forever. Say you get $450 a month in food stamps, free health insurance for your kids and yourself, and a voucher that covers almost 75% of your rent equalling $450. Plus they will pick you up to go to the doctors, the grocery store, appt.'s, and many more services. Yet if you get a job making too much money you lose all of it... So lets break this down.
$450 food stamps
$450 rent voucher
$350 health insurance for a family of 4 a month, and this is going on the cheap end, and medicaid is fantastic!
=$1250 month in free stuff, plus perks
Yet if you get a job and make $12hr somewhere for 40 hours a week, you will get dropped from services.
$480 week b4 taxes,
-$120 taxes
=$360 a week
=$1440 month
+ you pay for your own food, insurance, and rent out of this....
WHO THEY HELL WOULD WANT A JOB!!!!!!!! So they make it too easy, unless you can find a GREAT job that is high paying, and who can do that in this economy.
So this made me think, and yes I know I gave alot of personal info for someone else. Yet you do not know them, and never will, and this is my personal blog... So I was thinking, do you know how many people probably do this... How many people probably live off welfare and our tax money assistance forever. We do not hold people accountable for themselves enough, and we do not follow through with the assistance we are giving people..... So why not spend alittle less money in the end, by drug testing, doing home visits, and giving people a cut off date that isn't FOREVER!!!!
I will say, that I have used a few systems to help with myself and the kids on and off since I left David. I have not consistantly, and only have in times when I had no other option. Yet I get right off when I can, and have had to go through the long process of reapplying over again. Yet I don't want to ever have to do this, yet I have worked since I was 16 and have paid taxes for 17 years and have never used any assistance or help, so I feel that I have a need. Yet I am disguisted by others that abuse this system and make it hard for those that really need it. So I think this is why we have an issue of lazy people laying around in government housing, and getting everything handed to them.... Because the system is broken, and nobody does anything about it. We do not have the same work ethic that this country use to have, nor do we have the same standards... Yet I look at this and wonder where it all went down hill. I believe in starting these programs for those in need, and I believe in second chances, yet where did it ever become ok for people to live off of others forever.
This is just my opinion for the day, and I was enlightend alittle today. I do not live stupid to what goes on around me, yet I was lucky to grow up in a stable enviroment when I was younger and in an area that we never witnessed things like this or heard of people doing things like this.... Not saying that I am better, yet I was raised differently.... And it is odd to me why this is worse in some areas than others, yet where I grew up there was no metro housing or gov housing, nor where there services for lazy people. We grew up where everyone helped good people in a hard time until they got onto their feet, that is what is right and that is what we are lacking...I am sorry if this offends anyone, yet hopefully it makes you think.....
Yet, if you know anything about the system, it is hard to get on and it takes forever, yet once you get it, they make it so easy to stay on forever. Say you get $450 a month in food stamps, free health insurance for your kids and yourself, and a voucher that covers almost 75% of your rent equalling $450. Plus they will pick you up to go to the doctors, the grocery store, appt.'s, and many more services. Yet if you get a job making too much money you lose all of it... So lets break this down.
$450 food stamps
$450 rent voucher
$350 health insurance for a family of 4 a month, and this is going on the cheap end, and medicaid is fantastic!
=$1250 month in free stuff, plus perks
Yet if you get a job and make $12hr somewhere for 40 hours a week, you will get dropped from services.
$480 week b4 taxes,
-$120 taxes
=$360 a week
=$1440 month
+ you pay for your own food, insurance, and rent out of this....
WHO THEY HELL WOULD WANT A JOB!!!!!!!! So they make it too easy, unless you can find a GREAT job that is high paying, and who can do that in this economy.
So this made me think, and yes I know I gave alot of personal info for someone else. Yet you do not know them, and never will, and this is my personal blog... So I was thinking, do you know how many people probably do this... How many people probably live off welfare and our tax money assistance forever. We do not hold people accountable for themselves enough, and we do not follow through with the assistance we are giving people..... So why not spend alittle less money in the end, by drug testing, doing home visits, and giving people a cut off date that isn't FOREVER!!!!
I will say, that I have used a few systems to help with myself and the kids on and off since I left David. I have not consistantly, and only have in times when I had no other option. Yet I get right off when I can, and have had to go through the long process of reapplying over again. Yet I don't want to ever have to do this, yet I have worked since I was 16 and have paid taxes for 17 years and have never used any assistance or help, so I feel that I have a need. Yet I am disguisted by others that abuse this system and make it hard for those that really need it. So I think this is why we have an issue of lazy people laying around in government housing, and getting everything handed to them.... Because the system is broken, and nobody does anything about it. We do not have the same work ethic that this country use to have, nor do we have the same standards... Yet I look at this and wonder where it all went down hill. I believe in starting these programs for those in need, and I believe in second chances, yet where did it ever become ok for people to live off of others forever.
This is just my opinion for the day, and I was enlightend alittle today. I do not live stupid to what goes on around me, yet I was lucky to grow up in a stable enviroment when I was younger and in an area that we never witnessed things like this or heard of people doing things like this.... Not saying that I am better, yet I was raised differently.... And it is odd to me why this is worse in some areas than others, yet where I grew up there was no metro housing or gov housing, nor where there services for lazy people. We grew up where everyone helped good people in a hard time until they got onto their feet, that is what is right and that is what we are lacking...I am sorry if this offends anyone, yet hopefully it makes you think.....
Monday, October 3, 2011
Great Start To Fall!
So, with the kids going to their dads so much I rarely get to spend much time with them besides school nights, and we all know how school nights are... Homework, baths, dinner, and bedtime.... Yet this weekend they got to stay with me due to weather and other stuff. Yeah!! So I actually got to be the fun mom for once....
Friday night we watched a movie & played card games that they love!! Plus Ashtin got to watch Star Wars Clone Wars, which comes out every friday night and he misses it. So that excited him soo much!
Saturday we got to hang out with Aunt Debbie for awhile and she spoiled them by taking them to McDonalds for icecream. Then we made Kool aid Play-do, which was really easy and not messy at all!!! And the kids love it and it smells yummy. Then we got Spooky Buddies & Rio at red box and had a movie night with snacks and popcorn, and the boys all got to sleep in mommy's bed with me..... It wasn't very comfy for me, yet they loved it!
Sunday we got up and had a big breakfast, meaning not just cereal, and went to Church... Church was interesting, cuz Ashtin doesn't like going to Junior Church cuz none of his school friends are there and he is just not very outgoing... Unlike Landyn & Gavin he doesn't have his brother with him. So I let him come upstairs with me, and he was amazed. He asked so many questions, and actually took notes about the lesson on his handout, and read along with everything we did. He probably learned way more than he would have. Plus we did communion, and he had never witnessed that.... So we had to talk about that too... He didn't understand why he couldn't do communion.... LOL. yet he did just great, and it gave me someone to talk too... Church was really good for me too, yet I will talk about that later... After church we headed to Ashland to my Aunt & Uncles to hang out and have lunch and go to Honey Haven Pumpkin Farm. Alan & Angie where so great and invited the kids up for the day and treated us all. It was a great day. We got to go pick our own pumpkins on a horse drawn carriage, sling shot baby pumkins, beat each other up in the bouncy house, see a few baby animals, play, get our faces painted, and enjoy yummy pumpkin icecream... It was so nice spending time with them, and Gabe even made time for us in his busy day.. LOL. We don't get to see him much so that was nice for him to hang out with the kids too... After a big day we headed home and took baths, ate some dinner, read some books, and needless to say the kids fell asleep great!!! When I was giving hugs last night they all said how much fun they had and gave me big hugs... That right there makes it all worth it!!!! So for once, I was the "fun mom" and I got to do the fun stuff!!!!
Friday night we watched a movie & played card games that they love!! Plus Ashtin got to watch Star Wars Clone Wars, which comes out every friday night and he misses it. So that excited him soo much!
Saturday we got to hang out with Aunt Debbie for awhile and she spoiled them by taking them to McDonalds for icecream. Then we made Kool aid Play-do, which was really easy and not messy at all!!! And the kids love it and it smells yummy. Then we got Spooky Buddies & Rio at red box and had a movie night with snacks and popcorn, and the boys all got to sleep in mommy's bed with me..... It wasn't very comfy for me, yet they loved it!
Sunday we got up and had a big breakfast, meaning not just cereal, and went to Church... Church was interesting, cuz Ashtin doesn't like going to Junior Church cuz none of his school friends are there and he is just not very outgoing... Unlike Landyn & Gavin he doesn't have his brother with him. So I let him come upstairs with me, and he was amazed. He asked so many questions, and actually took notes about the lesson on his handout, and read along with everything we did. He probably learned way more than he would have. Plus we did communion, and he had never witnessed that.... So we had to talk about that too... He didn't understand why he couldn't do communion.... LOL. yet he did just great, and it gave me someone to talk too... Church was really good for me too, yet I will talk about that later... After church we headed to Ashland to my Aunt & Uncles to hang out and have lunch and go to Honey Haven Pumpkin Farm. Alan & Angie where so great and invited the kids up for the day and treated us all. It was a great day. We got to go pick our own pumpkins on a horse drawn carriage, sling shot baby pumkins, beat each other up in the bouncy house, see a few baby animals, play, get our faces painted, and enjoy yummy pumpkin icecream... It was so nice spending time with them, and Gabe even made time for us in his busy day.. LOL. We don't get to see him much so that was nice for him to hang out with the kids too... After a big day we headed home and took baths, ate some dinner, read some books, and needless to say the kids fell asleep great!!! When I was giving hugs last night they all said how much fun they had and gave me big hugs... That right there makes it all worth it!!!! So for once, I was the "fun mom" and I got to do the fun stuff!!!!
Hay bail maze!
Slide at the end of the maze!
Bouncy house, and Gavin getting dominated due to his lack in weight!
Landyn's Shark!
Ashtin's Skull
Gavin's Spider Web
Aunt Angie helping pick out pumpkins, I didn't realize the art form that it took them to decide and how long it would take. LOL
Gavin doing the pumpkin sling shot
Landyn doing the Pumpkin sling shot
Throwing Tank's toy for him with Uncle Al
This is Tank, he is the cutest dang dog ever! He took over Claire's room.LOL
Ashtin doing the Pumpkin sling shot!
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