Since I can't write you, this will do....

I am writing this to try and clear my mind of all of my thoughts. I guess we will be connected forever no matter what I do, so some now I need to release... When we found each other again 9 1/2 years ago, I never in my mind thought this is who you would turn out to be. I found my fairytale that I had been looking for, my forever. You promised me the world, and that you would do anything to make us happy. As married couples do, I found things that upset me or even made me doubt alittle. Yet I thought we would always work through everything and that in the end Love would be enough... Yet something changed, it was like you woke up one morning a totally different person. Now that I look back I see some of the turning points that may have pushed you over the edge. Your best friend since the 1st grade commited suicide, and you took it so hard. Then we found out that I was pregnant for Gavin which stressed you out financially... Then your dealership of 10+ years shut down right before Gavin was born.

Life is stressful, and nothing is perfect, yet why did you have to give up on us and our family... You shut down and retreated to other things that just made it worse. I worked my hardest at my job to make us better financially and emotionally, yet you kept giving up. You wouldn't fight with me. I gave you so many chances, so many times you said that you were going to change or fix things, yet you didn't. When I came home to my kids running their own house and you in bed with what you were doing, you would think that was my breaking point, yet no... I gave you time to get better and continued to pay for sitters while you laid in bed for months.... So I left, feeling like I was the bad one giving up on you. The whole time I felt like I was suppose to stay, that was my duty. You quickly got yourself together and came after us. I thought that maybe this ment you realized what you did, and that I woke you up when I left. So we came back... And I tried so hard for months, and lied to everyone around me saying how great you were doing. I threw you a big party and faked so much so that I didn't look like a failure, yet deep down I felt like one.... So 8 months later we left for good and you blame everything on me. You never grew up, or were a real husband or father....

So now it has been 2 years since we split, and legally I am still bound to you because you will not sign any paperwork together for a disolution, or come to an agreement so that we can do what we can afford.... So I have to wait till I can afford an attorney to fight you, which will be never because you barely help me with your kids.... How do you sit on your ass for over a year now with no job and not have some remorse for your kids struggling. How do you think $75 a week for 3 kids is enough for food, clothes, preschool, activities in school, and part of their living costs. How do you think this works????? How do you live with yourself???? For the first 3 months you barely tried to make time for your kids, then when I saw your house I realized why. It was disguisting and you had made such a mess and trashed the place. So yes, I wouldn't let you see them until you got your shit together. Who lives that way!!! 3 months later I come to inspect your house and let you make amends and from that point on it has been nothing but a fight. You get to be this "Disney Dad" and have them 2 fun days a week and let them sleep wherever, do whatever, play video games 24 hours straight, watch tv in bed, no rules, act out, eat whatever, drink caffeine, no baths or changing clothes... So they just love being with you while I have to have bedtimes, no tv in bed, get up early for school, limit video games for homework, encourage extra curricular activities, no pop & candy all day long, and make them go outside.... And all along you have no job, which is hard right now, yet do what you have to do... How do you think I get school clothes and shoes. How do I pay rent & bills. You live in a free house cuz you aren't working and your parents aren't making you pay, all of your utilities are shut off. So you just spoil them instead of helping with sport fees, shoes, clothes, class parties,school supplies, preschool costs EVERYTHING!!! Grow up and get a side job, help me!!! Don't you see that people do what they have to do. If you can't afford shit, sell the house, sell one of the 5 video game systems you have, sell a car, DO SOMETHING TO HELP ME!!! Stop buying them new video games, candy, movies, and toys...... Help me buy a new coat or shoes for basketball, or something!! I am begging you to take responsibility and help. Be a man..

So now this week, you haven't answered one of my texts or any of the kids phone calls. What makes you think you can pick and choose when you are going to be a dad. You NEVER answer their calls, what parent wouldn't want to talk to his kids everyday... You buy them Halloween costumes yet won't let them bring them to my house for a halloween party or HALLOWEEN since it's on a school night. How is that fair??? Yet, the kids think all of this is my fault. You say things and let them believe that I did all of this. They say, "daddy says you take all of his money", "daddy said you made us move", "we watch tv at bedtime with daddy", "daddy says it's a secret and if we tell you he will have to take it away", "daddy's house is more fun and we don't have to go to bed early", "DADDY IS MORE FUN"... Well I can't wait for my kids to grow up and realize the loser you are and what I did for them, and how you contributed.... Where is the right time to say you are harmful to them.

Where is the line drawn? When is it enough to say no more? This is how what I thought was my "lifetime love" treats me... I am not perfect, and nor do I say I am. Yet actions speak louder than words and your actions have destroyed me. Yet I realize now that I was blinded by what I thought was love, and instead it was obligation... I created my fairytale to feel better about the situation. I wanted it so bad, that I grew to love the idea of it. The idea that I trusted someone that much, and that I opened up. Yet I never did. And thank goodness, cuz where would I be if I had. Worse off than I am now.... So if you can't grow up and you can't be a good father, then go away. I would rather you not be here at all..... Playing with your kids 6-8 days a month isn't a good dad... Helping them grow up and nurturing them does. Putting them down the right path and creating a good life and future does. That is what I am trying to do. And until you can do these things, you are not a good father.... Please Grow Up Before It is Too Late!