I am so emotional today. I never thought in a million years that this was going to be so hard and emotionally draining. You think, I'm not in love with this person anymore, so I'll leave and start fresh. Well, let me be the one to tell you that is not how it goes. First you must hear all of the most hurtful things you can, fight more than ever, and live in what feels like his house while he toys with you... If I did not have children..... Yet I do, and love them with everything, and that is why I am going through this and putting up with it. In the beginning, I felt like I had the upper hand, and that I was in control. Little by little that is slipping away, and I worry daily whether or not he will just freak out and get an attorney.
We have chosen to do this the easy and cheapest way, dissolution. Yet even easier and cheaper, we are doing it ourselves and filing. So this means we must talk everything through, agree, and come to final decisions without our emotions getting in the way. Just last night he told me all of his drug problems and health issues were because of me. He fell out of love with me years ago, and couldn't handle it....... Really???? He is comparing me dealing with him out of work for drug issues and mental illness, to him dealing with my weight gain, post partum, and acne....... How much lower can someone get you??
While trying to make decisions on who gets what, there is the apparent jabs and smart ass comments. Yet, I will not lie, I can play too. But I am just fried. I have thrown up more in the last few days, then in years combined. My stomach is one big knot, and I feel at the mercy of this man. All of this because I wanted to save myself from spending so much money on an attorney and the hassle of a drawn out court battle.
Yet when I got on here today, I read a blog from a friend of mine, and it just makes me remember, Things could be so much worse. My children are healthy, I am healthy, and I will hopefully be happy in months to come. I must find the good in my days and keep moving. Sometimes, it is just so so hard........
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Sam, we love you and the boys so much. It must be nearly unbearable to hear those things from someone who was supposed to love and protect you forever. Please know that it is all total b.s. from a VERY DESPERATE child-like man who has nothing else going for him, but to feel good for a moment by trying to humiliate a wonderful, beautiful and intelligent woman. You deserve so much better than this. I can't wait until you guys get here!
ReplyDeleteThanks Terri!! I cannot wait to be with my family and start to rebuild myself and my life. What would I do without you guys??? Love ya.
ReplyDeleteTerri is right! You might feel like you are losing the upper hand, but you aren't. You are in control of your life and making the boys life better. He is saying hurtful things and trying to control you because you are taking everything from him. He probably feels hurt because he's realizing all the good things in his life are going away. And he should. I think you are incredibly brave for realizing when "enough is enough" and actually doing something about it. It may be incredibly hard right now, but I think this will be one of those situations you look back on and be so thankful and happy. The journey ahead is long, but so worthwhile, if you have those boys on your side ;) Keep fighting the good fight, you'll make it out alive, I promise.
ReplyDeleteMandy, how have we not spent more time together? Thank you for such great words and support.
ReplyDeleteI have been here the whole time :) We'll have to get together, but I'll probably just see you at Sofia's birthday party??!!
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