Overwhelming feeling of Love.....

Do you ever get that overwhelming feeling like everything is going to be ok? I got that yesterday while at church. I have only been to church once in the past probably 8-10 years until yesterday.... I have had alot of baggage of hurt and anger and have just detached myself from God and attending any services. When my brother asked me on Saturday if I wanted to take the kids to church with them on Sunday, I felt like it was something that I needed to do for the boys. For they have never been to church. Yet when I left church, it was by far something that I needed to do for me...... 

I have carried so much anger and hurt for things that were out of my control for too many years and these things have just been bringing me down and ruining my realationship with people in my life, and God. I cannot say that I have forgiven everything in my life that has hurt me, yet I can say that I am trying and want to. I do not want to carry all the baggage with me daily and let in ruin my life. 


Talking about God, and Jesus with the boys has been great, and helping them to understand life and why we are here. I want them to have that realationship with God that I didn't at such a young age, and to grow up learning daily. They have been taking turns praying and saying blessings, yet you wonder if they are learning enough from you, yet who can say.. You have to just be that role model that they need.... I want to be that for them, and hopefully that leads them in the right direction in life. 


I am not saying that I am perfect, yet I am saying that I have let something back into my life that was gone for quite some time.... Now finding that new realationship within me is the most important part.

I'm Moving On

I cannot believe that it has been almost a month since I blogged.... I guess I was just feeling alittle down and didn't think everyone only wanted to hear the bad..... Well, who cares what you think, here I go with LIFE.

With emotions on rollercoasters, and my husband just being an ass, I have actually had a really good past month. 

Uncle Doug turned 40, and Anna threw him a party at O'Briens in Ashland. Needless to say, 12 beers and like 6 shots later, we had fun. Even more fun the next day pulling over 3 times to vomit on the way home... Yuck, but we had fun and Doug turned the big 40.


We had Matt's annual birthday party on the same day as OSU vs. Michigan, and of course we won..... Who would have thought. It was a fun day of friends, drinking, food, and xmas ale. Just yet another reason why I love being home, family..... Oh, and by the way, Matt turned 28 and he is catching up to me... You know, since I will stay 31 forever. 


We had the Reynolds Thanksgiving a couple days early, the sunday before. It was great and relaxing, yet the kids couldn't be there. It was great seeing everyone and all of the Buzzards. With Grandma not being with us anymore, we see them even less than before, which is very little. Such a small town, yet little communication. How does life go by so fast..... I really missed grandma and days like those are the hardest. Grandma and Grandpa would have celebrated their 53 year anniversary this past November 17th.... Miss you grandma, more than words or tears could ever say.... Kisses and hugs.


Thanksgiving was great, and I got to have the kids for the whole day. I know you are all thinking, what does he want in return, who knows... I am still waiting and wondering. It was great visiting with family and eating too much food. Days like these are my favs, just hanging with everyone you love... Plus, I did really good at poker which I never do.....

Mom and I broken our Black Friday Virginity together this year. Neither of us had ever done it, and it wasn't as bad as expected. Mom through a couple lines out to a few people, yet deserving of it, and we kept moving. When we got to Walmart at 4:45am lines were from the registers to the back of the building. Oh my goodness, but by the time we finished shopping we had only half way back. Good deals though, and fun. We also did Game Stop, Dunhams, and Kohls. The whole day was a success and got the deals we went looking for. I just more than anything enjoyed the morning with my mom. 


Last friday I went to see New Moon with Angie, Anna, and Claire. Now keep in mind that I have never seen Twilight, yet still loved the movie.... I am a Jacob fan, yes I am. I have always had a thing for muscles and a good tan.... That was great, yet not long enough. Too much other stuff going on and dropping off of the kids, so not enough time with the girls. 


For the rest of the weekend of Thanksgiving I spent it with Mom. We went shopping on Saturday and did dinner with Max, then the River horse in Bellville. It was just relaxing and peaceful. Much needed, plus it gave Matt and Terri a quiet weekend. I went and helped mom on Sunday clean at a Schumacher home, and then got the boys......


That is my last 30 days, nothing too exciting, yet just great in my eyes... Family and happiness........ Now I can't wait for Christmas....

The rollercoaster of life

My baby is 6, and he is reminding me with every chance that he gets. "Mom, I don't need to hold your hand while in the parking lot", "mom, I have my own money", "mom, can you believe it, I'm almost 6 1/2." These are the whispers of him growing up so quick. With the help of my family we threw him a great party out here at Matt & Terri's house. The weather turned out to be great, and we had the Darth Vader Piniata outside, along with him being able to ride his new bike I bought him. The whole weekend was just great, having my moms help and staying for the weekend, seeing my family and friends, and just having everyones support and love. It is crazy how they all saw my unhappiness and are happy for my decisions. And I thought that I hid it so well for the most part.

With the onset of Ashtin's birthday, I know that I now have a December birthday (Landyn), xmas, and a January birthday (Gavin) to attempt to afford. The stress has always been there, yet this year it is even stronger!!! I guess maybe I picked the wrong time of the year to move out on my own. LOL... I am trying to find a job, find a place to live, finalize my dissolution, afford three birthdays and xmas, and get all of the things I need for my own place, and still move out of my brothers by the first of the month. Where do I begin? Yet one thing that I can say is that I fall asleep so much better, I smile more, and I just feel more at peace 4 days a week than I have in such a long time.... I am working on the other 3 days that I must deal with him. 


Ashtin had his first teacher/parent conference tonight. She absolutely loves him in her class, and says that he is loved by all the students and he is very social and active with everyone. He did come into the year behind in cirriculum since he came from a 1/2 day school, and here they are full day, but he is catching right up. All of his marks on his report card were great, and I see no reason to worry that any of this is effecting his school work and learning. 

On the subject of Ashtin, I had a big hurdle this weekend. His father came to get the boys saturday night after the party, so that he could have a party for him in cleveland on sunday. All was fine, he came to wooster since I had a house of people, and I drove to cleveland for pick up on sunday. When I get there he isn't even there, and I had to wait. Then when they do get there, I see him talking to ashtin all quiet and secretive, and all of a sudden Ashtin is crying. He is then telling me that he doesnt' want to go because he wants all of his new toys he got, and his dad will not let him bring them to my house. They must stay with him....... You can not do that to a 6 year old on his birthday with his new presents. He took new presents from my party up there!!!!! How horrible did I feel, and then his father makes it out to be like Ashtin is upset because he doesnt' want to go with me, and that he wants his daddy.... No, he wanted the damn toys he just got !!! How do I explain that to my son? How do I comfort him without showing my anger and pain towards his dad? The whole thing is so hard and sad..... And to top it off, he can't even afford to pay his bills or give me any money to help out for the kids, yet he went over board on Ashtin's birthday trying to buy his love.....I know that eventually they will see through that, but what do I do in the mean time? His family buys love and effection instead of building lifelong memories and realationships. It is sad. They hand out money and gifts, rather than be a role model or real family........... Enough on that subject right now.


Beyond those issues, the kids seem to be doing great. Just tonight uncle Matt sat with Ashtin and built his new lego creature with him. They love the library and playing outside in the huge yard. Riding their bikes outside may be their favorite though. Matt & Terri have been great with the boys and have just taken a great role at helping with the setting of rules and holding standards, yet also it is great to see them all spending so much time together. I have missed my family so much, and I am just blessed to be able to be here right now. Let's just hope that life keeps getting better..... Night....

A New Day for my Family

Well, the boys and I are all settled. It did not take long considering the fact that we brought so little. The move went smooth and the kids did great. When we got to Wooster they were so excited and full of energy. I loved the fact that mom was here to help and to make me feel comfortable with my decision. We all had lunch and dinner together, and it was just very comfy. Sunday was awesome, we spent the day revolving around the kids and making sure they were happy and enjoying their new area. We carved pumpkins, played outside for most of the day with our new friends next door, helped grandpa pick up sticks outside, and prepared Ashtin for his first day of his new school. Today (Monday), we got up early and went to meet Ashtins new teacher and drop him off at school. I think his nerves were bothering him a bit and he was alittle shy, but it just so happened that today was a fieldtrip and he made it through his first whole day. He was use to 1/2 day school and now he is going to full days. He loves that he gets to eat at school, and that his new friend will be riding the bus with him in the morning. He is so wishy washy at times and I can't tell if he's happy or not. Yet I think I need to give it more time. I worry about him so much and I know this is the hardest on him. He lives his dad and misses him so much.

So, I must say I do not know what I would do without my family. My brother and Terri have taken us in and made us feel right at home. I have my own room, the boys have a room, and they have their own play/tv room. They did all of this for us. I feel so loved and I know that I made the right decisions, especially when I have such great people standing beside me. I know that with my family and friends, I can do anything and get through anything. Now I just need to remember that daily.

One thing I know, my mind & body are so much more happy and at ease for the most part. I feel more in control of my life......

This is a sad and sappy blog, BEWARE

I am so emotional today. I never thought in a million years that this was going to be so hard and emotionally draining. You think, I'm not in love with this person anymore, so I'll leave and start fresh. Well, let me be the one to tell you that is not how it goes. First you must hear all of the most hurtful things you can, fight more than ever, and live in what feels like his house while he toys with you... If I did not have children..... Yet I do, and love them with everything, and that is why I am going through this and putting up with it. In the beginning, I felt like I had the upper hand, and that I was in control. Little by little that is slipping away, and I worry daily whether or not he will just freak out and get an attorney.

We have chosen to do this the easy and cheapest way, dissolution. Yet even easier and cheaper, we are doing it ourselves and filing. So this means we must talk everything through, agree, and come to final decisions without our emotions getting in the way. Just last night he told me all of his drug problems and health issues were because of me. He fell out of love with me years ago, and couldn't handle it....... Really???? He is comparing me dealing with him out of work for drug issues and mental illness, to him dealing with my weight gain, post partum, and acne....... How much lower can someone get you??

While trying to make decisions on who gets what, there is the apparent jabs and smart ass comments. Yet, I will not lie, I can play too. But I am just fried. I have thrown up more in the last few days, then in years combined. My stomach is one big knot, and I feel at the mercy of this man. All of this because I wanted to save myself from spending so much money on an attorney and the hassle of a drawn out court battle.

Yet when I got on here today, I read a blog from a friend of mine, and it just makes me remember, Things could be so much worse. My children are healthy, I am healthy, and I will hopefully be happy in months to come. I must find the good in my days and keep moving. Sometimes, it is just so so hard........

My friend Mandy is Wonderful, READ THIS POSTED BY MANDY

Wednesday, October 21, 2009

Tutu's for Tuesday

So I've been reading this blog and haven't been able to get this family off my mind. Most everyone knows of the tutu photoshoot Marley had with her friends Fiona and Gabriella. They had so much fun together. Ok who am I kidding, they cried the entire time. They hated it. But, we did get some cute pictures out of it. Anyways, I found on Jessica's blog about Tutu's for Tuesday. I got in touch with the woman who did the girls' tutu's and she agreed to make some for this great cause. I purchased 5, along with 5 beanie caps to keep those cute little bald heads warm. Amy, the fab tutu maker, is even donating a few herself. It feels so amazing to be helping those kids out, in any way possible. I can't even imagine those babies dancing and twirling to their heart's content. I only hope it brings them joy and peace, and maybe even a memory to last a lifetime for their families.

If you are interested in donating a tutu, please let me know, as I'll be sending them when they are ready. You can contact Amy, the fab tutu maker, as well at her website. She is so generous to do this, so again, if you're interested, send her a message or let me know!

Posted by Mandy at 1:15 PM

Ben's Graduation Party

Well, Ben did it!! The first Reynolds to graduate College (not including to married in ones, lol). My Grandma Mary would be so proud, or should I say, she is so proud of him. I also am very proud. He stuck to it, and was determined.

So what did we do, we through him a Reynolds style party. Ribs, cake, hay bales, fire, corn hole, ALOT OF BEER, beer pong (which I learned how to play, and Uncle Al was my partner), and most of all, Family. It was really nice to see some we hadn't seen in a while, and nice just to have an excuse to get together with the rest.

In the pics, top to bottom.
1st- Ben, Uncle Al, Grandpa (grumpy)
2nd- Emma, Ben's little sister
3rd- Anna
4th- Claire & Angie
5th- Ben playing corn hole

Absolutely Wonderful Photographer

One beautiful day in Ohio, the boys had there own photo shoot with Kristy Walker, and the pics turned out amazing. Kristy is starting up alittle something for fun, so hit her up if you are interested... I have the info. She took over 170 pics, and I have almost 100 great shots..... Thanks Kris, love ya!

The stuff my mind thinks about

So as I sit here and think about all the things that will need to be done for this journey that I am going to be taking in my life, one day comes to mind. As most of you know, last year at this time I also moved out and separated from David. During that time the kids and I had been renting a double from a friend of ours. I made alot of mistakes, like not working and sitting on my unemployment. Doing this made me very lonely and bored most days. One day in particular, that really sums up how I was feeling at the time, was just horrible. It all started with going to the grocery store with the kids. I had gotten quite a bit of stuff, and we were heading home I believe and driving through a major 4 way stop light. As my light turned green, I went to go, and to my surprise the hatch of my van opened and everything went into the main intersection. Not one person stopped to help me clean it up or anything..... I had to pull to the side and do it myself with all 3 kids screaming in the back seat. Then as we get home, Ashtin was so excited to make our valentines day cupcakes, so we got everything out, including the HUGE container of red/pink/white ball sprinkles. As I am in the other room, Ashtin tried to open the sprinkles himself by pulling the top off, not screwing. Needless to say, the whole kitchen and inside of the stove, just EVERYWHERE had little sprinkles...... Later that night while I was showering, Ashtin comes in and says, "mom you might want to come out here.....", Landyn was standing on my kitchen sink with the sink spray hose in his hand, watering the whole kitchen.......

So yes, I am scared, nervous, and straight up petrified about this decision.... Yet, I hope that all the happiness will help me handle those situations.... Just on my mind, and felt like sharing. I have really taken to blogging rather than writing in my journal.. Hope you enjoy my thoughts, fears, and funny stories.

Fun day at the Pumpkin Farm

This past weekend we went pumpkin picking and had some farm fun in Ashland with Aunt Debbie and Uncle Bill. Honey Haven farm was alot of fun and the kids loved it.... As you can see in the pics, they all got to take turns with a pumpkin sling shot, and they also got to do corn launching with a big gun. It looked like a potato launcher. We got our faces painted, petting zoo, corn maze, horse drawn carriage ride to go pick pumkins, and awesome food. My favorite was they have chestnut trees and they had some for sale and REALLY CHEAP!!! The boys just had such a great time, and it was nice to spend the day with family.

Landyn's Doctors Visit

I totally forgot to give a follow up on Landyn's specialist appointment. So he has a deviated septum. They think that maybe he had gotten hurt at one point and cracked his bone and it is healing wrong. His nose is pretty crooked. So, he has about 30% of oxygen coming through his nose when it should be 100%. With him being so little they just leave it be until he is a teenager and then fix it, unless it gets worse and he can't breath out that side. So I guess it is good news that there is nothing serious wrong, poor baby may have to have his nose broke in the future though. YUCK!!

As for his butt, we are still on amoxocillan, and he did have strept of the butt. YUCK!! So his butt was contagious. Guess thats only for the one whom wipes it, YEAH ME!!!

Happy Week

Happy Week, that is what I am trying to have.

I was driving home from Ashland last night, and really starting to get down and I just couldn't stop crying. I started to think of all the reasons that I did not want to come home and what the week may bring. So like alot of people do, I plugged in my ipod and started looking up music that would fit my mood. I turned on one of my favorite Kings of Leons songs, and was listening as I it went down the album. All of a sudden I hear the warm voice of James Taylor. It seemed to come at a great time. That was the next artist on my playlist or "purchased on my iphone." As I listened to him sing, it just calmed me right down. "Won't you look down upon me jesus, you gotta help me make a stand. You've just got to see me through another day. My body's aching and my time is at hand, I won't make it any other way." "My back turned towards the sun, Lord knows when the cold wind blows it will turn your head around."You think something is as worse as it can get, yet things could always get worse. I have to put my foot down, stop feeling sorry for myself, and make the good in the situation shine through. The choices I am making in my life right now are the best for me and my children, and I need to keep remembering that. There will be a better day, and there will be better things in the future to come our way. Something that my aunt sent me the other day:

"To get something you never had, you have to do something you never did." When God takes something from your grasp, He's not punishing you, but merely opening your hands to receive something better. Concentrate on this sentence... "The will of God will never take you where the Grace of God will not protect you."

I love this, it comforted me so much, yet I let it slip my mind so easily, just like other positive things in my life...... I need to keep positive and do positive things for myself and my kids. If they see me all upset and stressed, it is going to make this situation just as hard for them.....

So today I got on the computer to check all my stuff, instead of using my phone, and while on someone elses facebook page I saw a link to a blog of someone they knew. I decided to check it out. While on there, it was just so beautiful and full of what I needed. How did I come to this page? Was I led to it because I needed to hear what it was saying? Was it someones plan? Things I asked myself, and this is one of the beautiful things that I read:

"Perhaps you need to look up and around instead of back and down. Lift your eyes and see the amazing future which bursts with hope for in you God. Don't spend your life mourning over what you have lost and what is already gone; take an inventory of what you have left and keep going, one foot in front of the other, one step of faith at a time. Remember, God is on your side."

I have forgotten this, and maybe that is what has made my road alittle harder. So for me this week, I am trying to stay positive, I am trying to be thankful for what I have, I am going to be ok.....

I hate Doctors!!

I wanted to write something about the kids mishaps today too. Poor Landyn went to the doctor today and has to go see a specialist on friday! He has a growth with a bone in it inside of his nose. He told me the other day, "mommy there is something in my nose, I can't get my finger in all the way." Yeah, so when I looked at it, he has a huge lump the size of a pea in his little nose. It doesn't hurt him, yet the doctor brought to my attention that his nose is crooked, and sure as shit, it was. How could I have not noticed that, yet I don't shove my finger in his nose regularly either......

So, while we are at the doctors I asked her to look at his butt, since he itches it like crazy. I have looked for pin worms, yet never see anything..... Well, he drops his pants and undies, and of course Ashtin and Gavin are just laughing away at Landyn bending over for the doctor. She spreads his little bum and says, he has Strept of the butt!!!!!!!!! Really, I thought that was for your throat... Nope, you can get it anywhere. Leave it to Landyn.

So, we had fun today. That made our 3rd doctor visit this week and still 2 more to go. Plus we had 2 visits last week. Can you say BROKE!!! Thank goodness we are still on that good old autoworkers insurance... Get it all out of the way now I guess....

First step!!!

Well, I called around today and I have an interview to look at a house in Wooster on Thursday night. The longer I wait, the more I will let him change my mind. Is it bad of me for not telling him that I am looking for a place, and that I am for sure leaving? I am worried about the back lash that I will have to deal with while still here. Plus he will start his, oh I love you, and I am trying, and I messed up so much and just give me another chance!!!! I just want to say, I'm leaving, and be gone.........

The house we are looking at is by the college, a bigger older house, all wood floors, brand new kitchen and appliances, all remodeled, garage, big backyard, and supposively a good neighborhood. It seemed like it when I was living in wooster before. So we will see.

So, how is this going to be for my kids? That is my biggest concern. Ashtin is starting his 5th week of kindergarten here, and I am uprooting him to a new school. Landyn is in his 3rd week of preschool and I am uprooting him. Gavin will not understand. There father is like their friend to them. He comes home and plays with them and has all the cool toys. Then in the same sense, I am also feeling sorry for David. He is going to give me the biggest woe is me. He is such a crier, and he is going to throw everything at me to make me feel bad...... I do feel bad for him, I feel bad that he is going to be lonely and that his family is hard to handle. He had so many chances to change that, but it is all he knows, and changing someone set in their ways is hard.

On a good note with the kids, they are going to be around so much family, and have so many friends. Ashtin will be going to school with atleast someone he knows, and that will make the transition alittle easier. I will have to find a preschool for Landyn and pay out of pocket until the divorce is finalized, I know that I will not see any money from David until he has too...... That is by far a big worry. Can you imagine walking away from your marriage, and moving to a new town with no job. I will be looking right away, but I will have no childcare until I get a job because of expenses. Hopefully I may be approved for help with childcare from the county, but they will not even look at you until you have a job, and they can get your info on hours and pay.... So, I'm alittle worried......

So, today I keep telling myself to be strong, remember the long term goal, and keep my head up!!! I want to be happy and this is the way to get it, even though it seems stressful right now!!!

Just testing my mobile blog

Are my expectations too high? No!!!!

I was talking to one of my besties the other night, and I am starting to wonder if my expectations are too high. Do I deserve to have my expectations so high? One of my other besties the other day told me, "marriage is hard, and it definately is not the fairy tale that it is made out to be, it takes alot of work." So now I am coming to the conclusion that I must give up on this fairy tale dream of happiness that I have wanted all my life.

Yet, I think more (which I do too much), and I have come to a conclusion. Marriage is hard, and it does take alot of work. But you can still have that fairy tale love and equal relationship. I think that if you truely do love each other unconditionally and you are commited equally, then it will make the hard things alittle easier. And there is the cheesy saying, "love conquers all." I have come to believe that I would take being in love unconditionally and being equal partners going through hard times, rather than staying with someone for the wrong reason and never being complete. That is my goal and my dream. I want someone to treat me the way that I treat them, and I want them to just love me so much that they would do anything, unconditionally. When you love each other that way, you have a fairytale, no matter the economic struggles or outside world. You are the exception....... I want to be the exception......

My first blog!

Well, I have been talking about writing a book, this may be a great start to my stories....

I just happened to be looking around on facebook and saw one of my friends had a blog, so I checked it out. Now, I am here and excited to get started. I am about to embark in a big journey in my life, and you will get to hear all about it.... Pray for me and the kids.