Ashtin update

I cannot be happy enough to say Ashtin is doing so much better!!! When he woke up at the hospital on Friday he seemed like his old self. The meds they gave him did great!! Do now he has different meds for home until we can get to the neurologist. He has done great all weekend and says that he feels better than he has in months! So happy to hear! So now we are waiting for our appointment at the neurologist and they will hopefully be able to give us answers on the head pains. Thank you so much for all your prayers.

My strong son

I sit here with Ashtin in the hospital while he sleeps and just cry... We were here yesterday and back today. They have been able to thankfully rule out any type of blood issues, leukemia, and growths in his head, but yet we still don't have a great answer. We do know that he is anemic and low iron, his white blood cell count remains low to show his low tolerance to fight off viruses and sickness, and the low sugars. So, the headaches still have no direct answer or fix. We are here today because of a rough night and they said he seemed dehydrated so he got fluids with a "migraine cocktail." Yes, that is their name for it!  They have run a few more tests today to check a few things that have slipped through the cracks, but no results yet. He had a breakdown at home this morning when I said the doctor said go back, but we discussed that we shouldn't need more blood tests due to how many have been done recently and he calmed down. I said we were going to focus on his head and he was happy to hear that. So what do they do when we get here, give him an IV. He got pretty mean with everyone and kept saying just fix my headaches and you don't need any more of my blood.... Poor kid. They during the first 5 min he sat up and said he couldn't breathe.... They came in and he had a reaction to how cold it was and it made his arm twitch and it scared him.. Now he is sleeping like an angel, and before he fell asleep he asked me to promise they would figure it out this time.... So I sit here and cry while he sleeps. I am so thankful that we have not found anything serious so far and a lot has been ruled out, and I can only imagine how those parents feel who spend more time in here with sick kiddos... But seeing you baby so upset and crying is so tough. I'm praying that everything looks good on tests today, yet also that we get answers soon and that my baby feels back to himself with no more headaches..... Here is a pic of him sleeping.

Fun weekend

We had such a great weekend and the kids had so much fun!! Friday night we had our cousins birthday party at Dor-Lo pizza in Ashland, Yummy!!!!!! Saturday we went up to cleveland for tge Piston car show. My brother was up there with his car club with their cars, so we hung out and he showed the boys around. The boys did the soap box derby and rock climbing wall. Yet my fav part of the weekend was spending Saturday night with Liz and her family. I miss her so much and our visits are too far between! I have so few people in my life that I trust and that have been with me through it all, and she has been there every step... No matter how long it's been, it never affects our friendship... The night of wine and talking went so fast and the kids played  all night. The kids have all grown up together. Sunday we got to see family and spent time with Debbie and Clover!
I wanted to upload pics, but it's not working.grrrr. I will post them later.

Ashtin update

Well, after a lot of doctor appointments, time at the hospital, blood tests, cat scan, we still don't have an exact answer.... Ashtin has now lost almost 13 pounds, and the headaches seem to be getting worse. He is now having pain in his arm and leg that does not show on the outside yet when she did a strength test his arm was weak. With his white blood count still low we are moving forward with some new testing in that direction. We are also going to be going to a neurologist in a few weeks and he is on migraine medication.
Taking him to school after his appoinent today was so hard. Here your child is crying due to a headache, yet has missed so much school... I think he is now scared because of all the doctors and tests, and is saying his stomach is upset..... It's breaking my heart..... Keep him in your prayers please!

Ashtin

I ask you to keep Ashtin in your prayers and hopefully with some positive thinking everything will be good.. For the past few months he has had some issues with a lot of headaches . We went to the doctor to discuss it and came to talk about his lack of appetite, he is always tired, he has lost weight, become more pale than normal with dark circles under his eyes,  and these dang headaches keep continuing. He had strept briefly a few weeks back and they were hoping this was the cause, yet all the symptoms keep continuing. We have done one round of blood work and have been called in for more. If this doesn't help come to a conclusion we are headed to a neurologist. Let's hope not. Just the thought of that is scarey. So today we are off to more tests and hoping the needle goes alittle smoother this time! How come with ourselves we are easier to deal with things, but when our children go through things, we stress so much... They are my everything, and I hate to see them not feeling well.

Frosty

The kids are pretty excited to have Frosty home!! We rescued Frosty 3 years ago, and when moving into our home our landlord said no to pets... Frosty has been staying at my Grandmas since then, yet the kids have really been pushing for a pet! I have really wanted frosty back, and just decided to take the risk . He is fixed and has all for paws declawed, so I felt comfortable that there was no issue !! Tge boys have been so happy to have him back home.

Gavin's first sleepover

My baby is all grown up..... He got to go to his first sleepover away from home. I was way more nervous than he was. Yet, the anxiety you go through letting your kids stay at someone else's house is insane. With all the horrible things that you hear about on the news, it makes you not want to trust anyone with your kids!!!! I have met this parent multiple times and her son has stayed at my house, yet when you have never been to their home or know how they live you get worried..... I guess at some point we have to hope that we have taught our children right and what to do when someone else is being wrong.... So of course I asked a million questions when I picked him up to make sure he was safe, when all along I probably worried too much!!!  They grow up so fast.... Yet I will say that my house was pretty quiet for about 18 hours..... Yet we missed him, especially Uncle Ben!!

Change for a better life starts on the inside!

I found this somewhere and loved it.... It's so true, my suffering will never disappear or not be, but what I do with it and how I grow and how I show my children to be is the most important part.

Thrifty Mamma

I saved myself about $100 today! I gave myself a pedicure and cut all 3 boys hair myself! My feet feel so much better. I tried talking the boys into doing it, but when I said feet they all went running....... I will remind them of this next time they want something!!!! LOL. I watched a blog video on cutting boys hair and it made so much sense and not at all how I normally tried doing, and this time it looks so much better... Awesome!

Had to share my special videos!!!

Recent Pics of my fav people

Negativity

Have you ever tried to turn around every negative thought or feeling you have with a positive??? Well, you really start to realize how much of a downer you are.... So instead maybe I will just try to think before I speak or do and make it positive before it turns negative...  I know, easier said then done, but I have to find something to turn my pity parties into something positive rather than my misery.... I have the DNA that makes me so emotional and sappy so I let the bad stuff run..... So in order to make these changes, I am going to start with whom I surround myself with. All bad things that happen usually had a sign before that it was headed to disaster.....  I am a people pleaser and someone that grasps to anything that looks shiny on the outside!!! Well, not anymore.... That shiny thing was dangled and made me feel special for a moment even though I knew it was wrong... Then that shiny thing offered something I really needed. When I thought someone had my back, they didn't, yet I'm sure they hope I have theirs... Always, I let myself believe that because of those few moments you would have my back, but I was wrong.... I have such an issue with trust and feel that everyone always lets me down, but not anymore..... Everyone only looks out for themselves and why shouldn't I?? I will be nice and positive and let nobody in to stay protected... That's safe, that will keep me out of trouble, that will keep my heart from hurting anymore... So when people wonder why I'm always so closed off, you can thank all those that chipped away at my trust and heart.... Is this what I want, No... Is this what I need to get past, Yes.....

No more facebook

I can't believe how hard that actually was..... I said I was gonna do it, then realized I had a ton of stuff on there not saved anywhere else... My laptop crashed and I am so unaware if I will ever retrieve all the stuff, soooo I had to get all my pics off my page.. But anyway, why you ask... For the most part I spend way too much time puttsing on there when I could be doing so much more productive things or doing something with the boys... Second, I found that my business and personal life was becoming an open book for some not so polite and nice people.... Those hiding their secrets of betrayal by pointing the finger elsewhere. But any who, moving past that and staying away from the negotive. I may kiss and  tell on that another day..... You never know me.

Stressful weekend, but full of blessings!

This weekend was full of so much drama with my kids.... Landyn was the birthday diva, Gavin causing havoc everywhere and getting hurt the most, and Ashtin having a friend that gets in the way of his brothers plans... Too much screaming, crying, fights, war wounds, and talking back. Ugh. Through it all, you hear if a horrible tragedy 10 minutes away and it brings it all to reality for you.... I feel horrible for this family and this little girl that had to go through this... I just pray they solve it all and there is closure.. After wanting to strangle your little ones at times, we must give them a huge hug and remember how lucky we are !!!

Landyn Birthday!

This birthday boy tested my patience, had a blast, and was a diva all in one day!!! My kids are growing up so fast.... We celebrated at acres of fun with our family.

Early morning

So what better thing to do when you wake up at 6 o'clock in the morning than to make 48 cupcakes.  Tomorrow is Landyn's birthday and I was going to do cupcakes on Monday but since I was up so early figured might as well do it!  I mean what else do you do when there's a truck outside your bedroom window revving its engine over and over and over again until 630 in the morning because it's sleeping in the truck....  Yes that was my father and my irritable ness!!!! Anyway on a lighter note Landyn was excited to have his cupcakes today instead of Monday.

Spending the day with my mom and going up to see Gram Gini again. Yesterday she decided she wanted to send out some Christmas cards, so we need to pick some up and help her out!! Probably do some lunch and shopping knowing us!

Spreading some Christmas joy!

So today I'm spending the day with my Gram Gini.... She needs help with Christmas shopping every year. This is a woman that all her life she was so poised, organized, and well kept. Today she suffers from dementia, and I have to say it is so hard to watch some days. I am not being selfish, but it's hard to see this woman that use to be so well put together going through this... She retired from teaching and ever since it has gotten worse regularly.. I feel bad because I know I have cut back on my visits, and that is so selfish. But today, I am going up to spend some time with her, I'm going to try to get her out of the house for lunch, and try to get her into some Christmas spirit!!! This is my favorite holiday and I remember fondly the Christmas 's that we use to spend at her home... So hard, but physically healthy she definitely is!!! So off to spread some Christmas cheer today!!! Wish me luck!

It has been awhile !

Where to begin....

Ashtin is 10 and now in 4th grade and growing up so quick. He is a student delegate this year and is excelling great with school... He has found a new love in anything football, especially the Browns. I took him to a game for his birthday and he thought it was awesome !! Next year is middle school and the thought freaks me out! Kids are so mean, and he is pretty sensitive so I worry...

Landyn is turning 8 this weekend and in 2nd grade.. He is quite the little brain and so creative. He will be the first to tell you he hates sports and video games ! Give the kid something to draw, build, or write about and he is occupied for hours. He has the biggest heart and is always thinking of others. He will make you tge sweetest gifts with so much thought behind them! Yet you get on his nerves, and watch out, he had a temper !

And then there is the baby of the family.... I may have spoiled this one too much, because he is rotten!! He had that grin that's so dang cute, yet you wonder what he just did. He is very athletic and loves to stay busy . He played tball this summer and we have 2 weeks left in basketball. Next year he is football bound too, he says! He is alittle mischievous in school and definitely is my struggle when it comes to homework and things, but he is just as smart, just needs a good shove sometimes!'

I lost my job a few months back, yet I believe it was for the best. Not good timing, but good for my family. The later evenings and working every weekend is rough, and I wasn't sad to see it go . I have been working with Matt & Terri alittle at CIX and enjoying learning some new things. Life has Ben a struggle, but it could be so much worse!!! I am blessed with so much support and love all around me and I know that thing will come someday to make it all worth it ! Christmas is 2 weeks away and I am like alittle kid. I get so excited to suprise people and shop for others... It's not about the money, it's about family spending time together and celebrating his sacrifice for us. I just live Christmas and love love love the spirit of giving!!

Am I overly sensitive or do I expect too much???

I had gotten a much better sleeping pattern until the past week or so.... I find myself just angry and full of disappointment..... I am struggling with just being an adult because I have too, then to feeling disguist. Have you ever been around someone whom makes you feel 1 inch tall, yet you have to deal with it anyway. With every word that comes out of their mouth is about something you have done wrong in their eyes, yet never about all of the good.... Being around someone like that gets draining and overwhelming to the point that you start feeling everything is criticizing whether it is or not, and you became angry and full of a lot less drive to achieve what will in some way be found wrong in their eyes. So why try, why do what makes sense or a good idea, do the wrong or longer way to surpass. I'm not perfect and I can't deny one or 2 good moments, yet they don't cover up all the horrible ones. My favorite is the idea of a talk where I am told "you need to listen" for 10 min straight while I am bashed in a smart ass word phrasing way that they knew I would catch onto, to then be told its my turn. I am at this point in tears because I just listened to 10 min of all what they thought was all my fault and nothing but another way to make me feel like dirt under their shoe, so instead of firing back I babble real fast with one thing I think is wrong and 10 words into my first sentence I am cut off to be told I'm wrong. So what's best for me, to say ok and find an excuse to walk away..... Yet I am told that it's ok that it's this way and deal. And deal is what I must do, yet it sucks. I think so many factors that are too long to explain right now have helped this situation get where it is, yet I just don't know where it ends. I am embarrassed that some things have turned out the way they did, and I feel like I lost something that was never really mine. I know deep down it was definitely for the best for me and my family, yet professionally and personally I felt embarrasses because I had to explain over and over why what I was so vocal to everyone was going to happen, then didn't happen. And I felt like I was a loser professionally even though financially it was better off. So my ego hurt...... I know, silly, yet it is what it is. So now, how do u deal with what bothers you so much and hurts you that others don't see the behind the scenes, and go home happy and full filled at the end of the day. Because yes, we all have responsibilities and in what is today's economy we r thankful to have jobs, yet we want to feel respected.....

I kinda feel better. I have been sitting on a lot of that for days and couldn't figure out how to get it out without feeling like a Winey baby. My biggest downfall in this is that I don't forgive easily. When someone says things about you that you over hear or even the lack of respect for months, how do you then feel like they are genuine... And I have heard things I haven't repeated and dealt with crap because I just don't want to be the one that complains all the time. Yet how do u move past this and not feel anger or mistrust... Yet how do u accept being told its all ok, we just must deal with it. I guess my morals are different and I have higher expectations in people. Yet maybe I'm being overly sensitive in the business world and there are always going to be those type of people. I guess in the end, I deal until I don't have to anymore! So my rich dream man better hurry it up!!!!! Thanks for listening to me babble as usual, and I love getting things off my chest. Being an over emotional being sucks sometimes.

I Feel You Close

WRITTEN WHILE ON FLIGHT TO MEXICO!!!

I have such a hard time sleeping on airplanes, yet today thankfully our flights seem to be going quick! I have seemed to doze off a few times, and this last time I woke, my dream came to me so clear..... It was a similar resemblance of my dream last night, my Grandma...... Neither protained to anything going on in my life, yet I just loved feeling her close to me when I woke up. This time my dream was alittle crazy! In my dream I was having another baby, and it was a girl. I named her Mary Elizabeth... There was nobody else in the dream except me and my baby! Well, we all know I can't have any babies do that is out of the question! Yet I wonder if I am having random dreams about her a lot because she is with me right now. I know that she is always there when I need her, but maybe lately she just knew I needed her more than ever and she is letting me know it will all be ok. Right now I am on this amazing adventure of a trip that I am so lucky to be on, yet I think she noted me to know she is enjoying me happy!

Emotional day

I am such a moody person!!! I know that women are emotional, but I create a whole new level.

A lot of let downs lately and feeling alittle insecure.. Ok, a lot of insecure! The sad thing is, is that I know that most things that happen are for the best, yet I feel embarrassed! You build yourself up and let everyone know vocally, and then you look and feel like an ass because of all the let downs.

I still have yet to lose any weight! Grrr. It's my own fault cuz I put zero effort into it, and spend too much time sulking about it. I just have to find a way out of this slump!!!!!! I let all the yucky rule my life and have to find a better way to deal! I even catch myself sneaking and hiding when I eat bad foods. I don't want to be judged. And I know those around me see my horrible transformation, believe me I hear about it!

On another note, so many good things are happening and I have to remember them! Kids and I have a house in town, it's huge! I have nowhere near enough furniture for it! Still working on that. Yet I love having our own space and the kids feel at home, which is so important to me. I struggle with it financially, yet always make it work. Gavin started kindergarten this year,Landyn is in 1st grade and Ashtin in 3rd. They all have AWESOME teachers which I couldn't be happier about. Poor Landyn broke his arm the 2nd day of school on the monkey bars. Surgery and all, and now we are dealing with a cast. He is doing great with it, I am more of the worry wart! Gavin has gotten more and more sassy, and I just don't know what to do with him most days! Ashtin is emotional and likes to hide it all. I worry the most about him. But I am lucky, all the boys are super intelligent, Landyn they are evening discussing a gifted program.. Don't know how I feel about that, we will have to see. The boys do pretty well with all of the changes and struggles, ashtin is the one that takes everything the hardest. People say kids are resilient, yet I think it depends on the age and their personality. I feel like I have let him down and this is something he will never get over.... I hear I hate you at least twice a week. I know when the kids get older, they will understand more, but for now, I have let him down and I am the worst mom ever for taking his dad away.... And that will continue to hurt me until he realizes it was for the best. How he feels down the road does not make now any easier.

Do I ever wonder if I should have just stayed and been miserable to make them happy? Of course I do. I also wish I had done it sooner so that it would have been easier with them younger, especially Ashtin! Yet it is what it is now, and moving past it and accepting the yuck is what I have to do. I never imagined that it would be this hard though. Emotionally draining and so insecure. Everyone can say "it will get better", and "you can't let the bad run your life", yet they don't have to live it. I have my good and my bad days. I am fabulous at putting on a smile and making everyone believe I have it all figured out, especially the kids! They are the last ones that need to see or deal with anymore of all this. And the sad thing is, it won't get better or easier for at least 13 years. He will continue to have an emotional pull at my heart and moods until I legally don't have to anymore. So until then I might as well just expect that he will be a low life with no job whom can't afford to help raise his children forever!!! And I need to just find a way to deal with it. Why do I let him and all of this run my life!!! Why did I have to pick the crappy marriage? I have always dreamed of love, yet so scared of it, and this is what I got!!! When does it get easier, cuz I just don't know how much longer I can deal... I am at a dark spot that I can't get out of and I am having a hard time masking it lately. My temper is crappy, my mood swings are horrible, all I want to do is sleep when the kids are gone. How do I let myself fall here??? How do I get out???

Anyway, I am in serious need of some me time!! That is soon to come, thank goodness!! I look around at the world and the people around me, and I know it could be so much worse. I know that I have 3 healthy wonderful boys that live me and depend on me! I know that I have a job and lucky in today's economy! Things could be so much worse, yet my struggles are my own and I am just having a hard time with them. I know that I am blessed and I love my family for all of their support!!! Tomorrow I will put on the happy face and be thankful, tonight I am emotional!

I know this blog was all over the board and like a roller coaster, well welcome to the mind and heart of a crazy person!

Taking The First Step!!!

Anyone that knows me, knows I use to be skinny!! Big butt, but skinny!!! And I know that looks are not everything, but I need to find a way to feel better!!

I go on roller coasters where I do great and lose a little then I gain it and more back! I never had to diet or watch what I ate, then I had 3 kids in 3 years..... Needless to say, now I'm fat.

I just can't figure out how to make a good change that is healthy for me. I don't have a lot of spare time to go to the gym daily with my work schedule and the boys. Plus I am an extremely emotional person and when I'm upset I eat and can't sleep so I eat more. Plus I have zero self control. I need to be in a junk food free zone to control it or something. Plus even when I'm not stressed or emotional, I dont sleep well and get bored so I eat.....

How do I make a fresh start? I need to do this for myself to feel better and for confidence. I know I will never look the way I use to, but I just want to feel and look better!!!!

So I need to be more active and healthier.... Help me people... Help!

Cleveland Aquarium

The kids are on spring break this week, and with yesterday being my only day off, we had a fun day!

First we met up with Liz & Sofia and went to Hard Rock for lunch! It was fun and yummy!!!

Then we all went up to the new Cleveland aquarium in the flats. I didn't realize it but they shut down Rock Bottom Brewery, and moved the Improv! So that is the building where the aquarium is. It was really neat, yet really expensive. I have more photos on my camera, this was all I had from my iPhone before it died. The glass tunnel and the touch area was the kids favorite, and it was neat. But not worth the money of 1 trip. For me and the boys it was almost $70. And we were only there for 2 hours and that was going through it all twice. So for $50 more, we got a pass for a whole year. Which if we ever went one more time doing this saved me money. Cuz I know between family and friends we will go back! Yet if your only going once, it's not worth the money at all!!!

Over all the kids had a lot if fun seeing each other again and they loved the aquarium, yet as a parent I was a little disappointed!

True Friends

Have you ever noticed how many friends just come and go in your life, but only a few stay forever!! We all have those people we see every once in a while or just run into each other, which is great!

Yet those friends that you can see every day, once a month, or a couple times a year, that you can truly be yourself around, and it's like time never passes...... I have a few of those, and I'm so thankful. Of course we all wish we made more time for each other, and that we did more together. But we also except each others lives for what they are....

We all have a lot of friends that we know on different levels, but those true deep down sisters are the best!!! I love my girlies!

Life as I see it!!

Life has been so blessed lately and I am feeling like the old me more and more. I know life throws everyone punches and struggles and I just didn't deal with mine very well. But I am really feeling like I am coming out of it.

I started a new job this month, and it feels nice to get life back on track. After having a career for so long it sucked to have that insecure feeling for awhile. But I can say, this feels good.... I have a good feeling and all I can do is work hard to be successful at it.

My baby has kindergarten registration this next month!!! I can't believe it. I feel like time is just flying by.... Now if I can just detach him from mommy long enough to do good, that would be great!!

Ashtin & Landyn are taking guitar lessons now. Landyn seems to pick it up really easily and loves it. Ashtin does really good, but he just doesn't want to work for it. This kid is going to be the one that tests me the most I believe. He is just like his dad and bull headed just like me.... Then there is Landyn whoms teacher just loves him and everyone else.... They think he should go into the gifted program. He use to be my little devil and is now just the sweetest thing.... I'm blessed with them all...

And my heart is finally feeling a little better. I am learning to let go of some of my hate and anger. Life is hard, and I must just face that. I cannot hate the past anymore or wish it was different. I love my boys and they r the best of it all. I am starting to feel hope again in things and hoping to soften my heart.... I just have to learn that I cannot bare it all alone and that it was just a test. I have won, and I am through it. I give thanks for that daily.

Am I loveable?

So I come to my blog tonight to write, just cuz I feel like it and it seems to make me feel better most times...

I have had a pretty amazing week of good things and sunshine entering my life, and I could not be more thankful and appriciative.. Things have been so rough for so long, that I started to think they would never look up. Yet I should have stronger faith in the fact that it will all work out and that I am being taken care of and always have what I need.. I am lucky.

I have been very emotional lately when it comes to love and feeling that desire to need compassion and affection. I know that it is obviously something that you cannot force or go finding, yet I am just a romantic at heart and dream of the day that I can love again and to have someone love me back. I went to the movies tonight to see "The Vow" and I just can't seem to get it off of my mind. I can only dream that love that deep and beautiful is real. And if it is, I can only pray that it finds me.... To be that special to someone and for them to love you whole hearted is amazing. Nothing in life is perfect except true love. Circumstances and life interfere, yet love is perfect...

I sometimes wonder if I am still loveable. I have so many fears and issues of trust, yet I hope someone breaks down those walls someday. I have pushed people away all my life, including those that I have been lucky enough to have loved me when I wasnt ready, and now I am scared that I lost my chance or that there are not going to be anymore.... I want something new, fresh, and something to make me feel alive again.... Is it out there somewhere????

Me and my thoughts...

Sometimes you just want someone to listen and hold you when you are crying or need to talk.... Sometimes you just need someone to say, you are beautiful.... And sometimes you just want to hear, I love you....

I am so incredibly blessed by such an amazing family and group of friends, yet sometimes it just gets emotionally lonely. I have always been a very physical and emotional person. That is how I express myself, and who doesn't love to cuddle or just get attention. I have noticed it more lately bothering me. I always say I hate men for all that I have been through, and that I need time... Yet I know I am ready for some type of something.. I don't know what it will be, or maybe just a friendship. But I need something.

I don't think I even know how to date anymore, and even how to go about it... So crazy compared to me 10 years ago. LOL. Yet I also have no self confidence anymore.... Where do I begin, and how do I start this journey. I know deep down that I am feeling better and I am not ready for anything serious, yet I just want to start somewhere... Pray for me, cuz I may need it, and so will he..... LOL

Winter and the start of a New Year 2012!!

Birthday's, Christmas, Thanksgiving, and New Years always seem to fly by so fast for me. With having all 3 boys birthdays in Nov, Dec, and Jan plus everything else, I always seem to run crazy!!! Yet my baby is turning 5 this month!!!

Christmas was great this year, and the kids and I were so blessed! I had a hard time at first, yet remembering what it was all about and sharing that with the kids was so important. They got spoiled of course, and my
family spoiled all of us!!! Yet just spending it with ALL of my family after all they have done for me and how much support they have been was the best gift of all...

Ashtin turned 8 in November!! So hard to believe. Ashtin is still kinda shy and trying to find his place I think. He asked for a guitar for Christmas and also got guitar lessons, so we will see how that goes. His dad is very talented in that area, so hopefully it rubbed off on him too. He continues to be extremely intelligent for his age.He tried out karate and baseball, yet didn't really take to either. So basketball it still is...

Landyn turned 6 in December and is doing great in kindergarten!!! He is by far the most intellegent of the boys so far, but don't tell him that. He is such a thinker and is always always trying to figure things out. He has absolutely no fear and will try anything. Christmas morning he got a skateboard, which he talked about for months, and within 5 minutes of being done with presents he had his helmet and pads on and was outside. First time I check on him, he was headed for the hill into the trees.... He also has taken on basketball, yet he wants to do football when it starts in 1st grade. I can see that being something he will enjoy more. He is by far the most like me and my family. He looks just like a Reynolds, and has our personality..... Let's hope he gets the good stuff.LOL

And Gavin turns 5 this month and is ending his last year in preschool!! He is such a mommy's boy, yes I said it.... The doctor says that he will be the biggest of the 3 boys and I believe it. He is growing so fast and is sharing clothes with Landyn now!!! He is begging to play basketball and can't wait to be in school to get into activities. He follows his big brothers around like crazy and is Landyn's buddy. But he is also my little devil. That boy tests every bone in my body.....But I love him and those baby blues....

So the new year hasn't started off fantastic, yet I guess it could be worse. Right now I am battling mono and last month I had Shingles.... So needless to say my body is screaming for less stress and a better immune system... I just hope that I learn to have more patience this year, learn to love more, and grow as a person through my challenges and come out strong. I hope to find a permenant situation for my life or a good path to lead me there..... I just want to be happy, not rich or instantly skinny, just happy and hopefully the skinny part comes along the way..... LOL.

Enjoy some of the pics I put up of fall, Gavin's Christmas Program, and our wonderful family in the past few months.

The Perfect Way to Live Your Life!!!

1. Stop spending time with the wrong people. – Life is too short to spend time with people who suck the happiness out of you. If someone wants you in their life, they’ll make room for you. You shouldn’t have to fight for a spot. Never, ever insist yourself to someone who continuously overlooks your worth. And remember, it’s not the people that stand by your side when you’re at your best, but the ones who stand beside you when you’re at your worst that are your true friends.


2. Stop running from your problems. – Face them head on. No, it won’t be easy. There is no person in the world capable of flawlessly handling every punch thrown at them. We aren’t supposed to be able to instantly solve problems. That’s not how we’re made. In fact, we’re made to get upset, sad, hurt, stumble and fall. Because that’s the whole purpose of living – to face problems, learn, adapt, and solve them over the course of time. This is what ultimately molds us into the person we become.


3. Stop lying to yourself. – You can lie to anyone else in the world, but you can’t lie to yourself. Our lives improve only when we take chances, and the first and most difficult chance we can take is to be honest with ourselves. Read The Road Less Traveled .


4. Stop putting your own needs on the back burner. – The most painful thing is losing yourself in the process of loving someone too much, and forgetting that you are special too. Yes, help others; but help yourself too. If there was ever a moment to follow your passion and do something that matters to you, that moment is now.


5. Stop trying to be someone you’re not. – One of the greatest challenges in life is being yourself in a world that’s trying to make you likeeveryone else. Someone will always be prettier, someone will always be smarter, someone will always be younger, but they will never be you. Don’t change so people will like you. Be yourself and the right people will love the real you.


6. Stop trying to hold onto the past. – You can’t start the next chapter of your life if you keep re-reading your last one.


7. Stop being scared to make a mistake. – Doing something and getting it wrong is at least ten times more productive than doing nothing. Every success has a trail of failures behind it, and every failure is leading towards success. You end up regretting the things you did NOT do far more than the things you did.


8. Stop berating yourself for old mistakes. – We may love the wrong person and cry about the wrong things, but no matter how things go wrong, one thing is for sure, mistakes help us find the person and things that are right for us. We all make mistakes, have struggles, and even regret things in our past. But you are not your mistakes, you are not your struggles, and you are here NOW with the power to shape your day and your future. Every single thing that has ever happened in your life is preparing you for a moment that is yet to come.


9. Stop trying to buy happiness. – Many of the things we desire are expensive. But the truth is, the things that really satisfy us are totally free – love, laughter and working on our passions.


10. Stop exclusively looking to others for happiness. – If you’re not happy with who you are on the inside, you won’t be happy in a long-term relationship with anyone else either. You have to create stability in your own life first before you can share it with someone else. Read Stumbling on Happiness .


11. Stop being idle. – Don’t think too much or you’ll create a problem that wasn’t even there in the first place. Evaluate situations and take decisive action. You cannot change what you refuse to confront. Making progress involves risk. Period! You can’t make it to second base with your foot on first.


12. Stop thinking you’re not ready. – Nobody ever feels 100% ready when an opportunity arises. Because most great opportunities in life force us to grow beyond our comfort zones, which means we won’t feel totally comfortable at first.


13. Stop getting involved in relationships for the wrong reasons. – Relationships must be chosen wisely. It’s better to be alone than to be in bad company. There’s no need to rush. If something is meant to be, it will happen – in the right time, with the right person, and for the best reason. Fall in love when you’re ready, not when you’re lonely.


14. Stop rejecting new relationships just because old ones didn’t work. – In life you’ll realize that there is a purpose for everyone you meet. Some will test you, some will use you and some will teach you. But most importantly, some will bring out the best in you.


15. Stop trying to compete against everyone else. – Don’t worry about what others doing better than you. Concentrate on beating your own records every day. Success is a battle between YOU and YOURSELF only.”

I want Love Again!

I can't believe I am saying this, yet it has been 2 years, but I want to be Loved again, and I want to find someone to Love back.

I always wanted that storybook love, yet never let myself have it truely. I ran from every good guy in my life, fearing I would dissapoint them or that I wasn't good enough. So here I am now with a failed marriage and a broken heart..... I don't know if he broke it, or if the circumstance did....

I was dead set on staying single for quite some time, yet now I think it's not for me... Yet my years of unhappiness and regret of my past have left me far from drop dead sexy!!! LOL. So something needs to be done about that. So no more comfort for myself, and I say it's time I fix this problem.... I may be a happier person, if I let someone make me happy...

I am a true romantic and I know that someone is out there to love me, I just hope he finds me. I want that happy ever after, and the sweeping me off of my feet. I hope it is still possible, and I refuse to give up. I would rather have gone through all of these struggles, then be in an unhappy situation where I harbor secrets and lies to tie my life together. Who wants to live that way at 33 or even 60. Seize the day I will and you might as well say this is my new goal... Happiness & Love in the Right Place!

Match.com i hate you

To come home with these thoughts and see this in my email sucks.

Bad Mother

Horoscope
Nov 01, 2011

You need to be careful and patient on a day like today -- otherwise, you might find that you blow up or otherwise miss out on a great opportunity. Things are likely to pick up in a few days.

This is my day, this right there explained how I felt today, and here I read it on my blog page tonight.....

What makes a bad mother????

Is it that everyone around me feels that I can't discipline my own kids and does it for me, or is it that I just look like I need the help with desporation on my face...

Or maybe it's the comments like, "your mother is way too easy on you, cuz if you were my kid you'd have your ass beaten by now."  or maybe I am too easy and I am a pushover....

I constantly feel like I am the hated parent and I am always trying to not be too mean, yet when I get mad I blow up!!! I tend to give more chances, have more patience than others, and also not be so nerotic! Yet most of the time they exhaust me and I am wiped out and ready for a glass of wine by the end of the day!!! So maybe I'm doing it wrong.

When I spank my kids butt for telling me no on the 5th time or for smarting off to me, he tells me he hates me or that he doesn't love me, or that he wants his daddy or he is telling his daddy, that he hates living with me, and the best, "I'm gonna tell my teacher." So I can't spank my kids butt now for being bad, or yell at them for mouthing off???? UGHHHHHHH. I take things away, I yell, and I get so little respect.

So, others always joke that my kids are handfulls and wild & crazy!!! Yet I would love for someone to take a walk in my shoes for 1 month of no other spouse to have a break on bad nights, no relief or help 99% of the time I have them, and nor do I ask for help, and doing it all on my own with really shitty things happening in my life, and believe it or not, I never really had help ever. My ex spouse always sucked at marriage & kids, so I never had alot of help an hour and a half away. No weekend visits or much coming up to babysit. Hell the grandparents that lived 1 mile away never once kept them overnight or past 8pm while I would work and their dad laid in bed.... I have always done this alone with so little help, yet everyone is a critic.

I feel like I am failing at life already, and this makes me feel even less.... The 3 thing that makes me get up in the morning and the 3 things that make me believe that it can get better, and I am failing at them too....

So the past 2 days I have been frustrated cuz I felt like I had to do something that I didn't feel was right or good for the kids, and too my belief I was right about what would happen. So I have paid for the wrong mistake, yet had to do it because it was promised by the other half and I didnt want to be the hated parent as usual..... So I am alittle gloomy over no sleep and trying to keep kids happy and quiet so I have given in and not disciplined approperatly due to worry of loud crying & noise with the babies, yet I am not getting anywhere cuz I have to surpass them to keep them quiet. So how do I do this... How do I get them to learn without screaming and crying because I walk away. I cannot babysit my kids in their room every night until they fall asleep, yet I can't let them scream and cry. You can give them evil eyes, threats, and whatever else you want, yet they will never learn until actions are taken and they learn that you will win....

HELP HELP HELP HELP, I am growing weak and frustrated.....

Halloween 2011

The kids and I had so much fun at our friends Halloween Party. It was the perfect way to get in the Halloween spirit and get ready for trick or treat! The kids had so much fun with all of the games & goodies, along with scarey stories by the fire & themed food. Here are a few pics to share our fun.

Since I can't write you, this will do....

I am writing this to try and clear my mind of all of my thoughts. I guess we will be connected forever no matter what I do, so some now I need to release... When we found each other again 9 1/2 years ago, I never in my mind thought this is who you would turn out to be. I found my fairytale that I had been looking for, my forever. You promised me the world, and that you would do anything to make us happy. As married couples do, I found things that upset me or even made me doubt alittle. Yet I thought we would always work through everything and that in the end Love would be enough... Yet something changed, it was like you woke up one morning a totally different person. Now that I look back I see some of the turning points that may have pushed you over the edge. Your best friend since the 1st grade commited suicide, and you took it so hard. Then we found out that I was pregnant for Gavin which stressed you out financially... Then your dealership of 10+ years shut down right before Gavin was born.

Life is stressful, and nothing is perfect, yet why did you have to give up on us and our family... You shut down and retreated to other things that just made it worse. I worked my hardest at my job to make us better financially and emotionally, yet you kept giving up. You wouldn't fight with me. I gave you so many chances, so many times you said that you were going to change or fix things, yet you didn't. When I came home to my kids running their own house and you in bed with what you were doing, you would think that was my breaking point, yet no... I gave you time to get better and continued to pay for sitters while you laid in bed for months.... So I left, feeling like I was the bad one giving up on you. The whole time I felt like I was suppose to stay, that was my duty. You quickly got yourself together and came after us. I thought that maybe this ment you realized what you did, and that I woke you up when I left. So we came back... And I tried so hard for months, and lied to everyone around me saying how great you were doing. I threw you a big party and faked so much so that I didn't look like a failure, yet deep down I felt like one.... So 8 months later we left for good and you blame everything on me. You never grew up, or were a real husband or father....

So now it has been 2 years since we split, and legally I am still bound to you because you will not sign any paperwork together for a disolution, or come to an agreement so that we can do what we can afford.... So I have to wait till I can afford an attorney to fight you, which will be never because you barely help me with your kids.... How do you sit on your ass for over a year now with no job and not have some remorse for your kids struggling. How do you think $75 a week for 3 kids is enough for food, clothes, preschool, activities in school, and part of their living costs. How do you think this works????? How do you live with yourself???? For the first 3 months you barely tried to make time for your kids, then when I saw your house I realized why. It was disguisting and you had made such a mess and trashed the place. So yes, I wouldn't let you see them until you got your shit together. Who lives that way!!! 3 months later I come to inspect your house and let you make amends and from that point on it has been nothing but a fight. You get to be this "Disney Dad" and have them 2 fun days a week and let them sleep wherever, do whatever, play video games 24 hours straight, watch tv in bed, no rules, act out, eat whatever, drink caffeine, no baths or changing clothes... So they just love being with you while I have to have bedtimes, no tv in bed, get up early for school, limit video games for homework, encourage extra curricular activities, no pop & candy all day long, and make them go outside.... And all along you have no job, which is hard right now, yet do what you have to do... How do you think I get school clothes and shoes. How do I pay rent & bills. You live in a free house cuz you aren't working and your parents aren't making you pay, all of your utilities are shut off. So you just spoil them instead of helping with sport fees, shoes, clothes, class parties,school supplies, preschool costs EVERYTHING!!! Grow up and get a side job, help me!!! Don't you see that people do what they have to do. If you can't afford shit, sell the house, sell one of the 5 video game systems you have, sell a car, DO SOMETHING TO HELP ME!!! Stop buying them new video games, candy, movies, and toys...... Help me buy a new coat or shoes for basketball, or something!! I am begging you to take responsibility and help. Be a man..

So now this week, you haven't answered one of my texts or any of the kids phone calls. What makes you think you can pick and choose when you are going to be a dad. You NEVER answer their calls, what parent wouldn't want to talk to his kids everyday... You buy them Halloween costumes yet won't let them bring them to my house for a halloween party or HALLOWEEN since it's on a school night. How is that fair??? Yet, the kids think all of this is my fault. You say things and let them believe that I did all of this. They say, "daddy says you take all of his money", "daddy said you made us move", "we watch tv at bedtime with daddy", "daddy says it's a secret and if we tell you he will have to take it away", "daddy's house is more fun and we don't have to go to bed early", "DADDY IS MORE FUN"... Well I can't wait for my kids to grow up and realize the loser you are and what I did for them, and how you contributed.... Where is the right time to say you are harmful to them.

Where is the line drawn? When is it enough to say no more? This is how what I thought was my "lifetime love" treats me... I am not perfect, and nor do I say I am. Yet actions speak louder than words and your actions have destroyed me. Yet I realize now that I was blinded by what I thought was love, and instead it was obligation... I created my fairytale to feel better about the situation. I wanted it so bad, that I grew to love the idea of it. The idea that I trusted someone that much, and that I opened up. Yet I never did. And thank goodness, cuz where would I be if I had. Worse off than I am now.... So if you can't grow up and you can't be a good father, then go away. I would rather you not be here at all..... Playing with your kids 6-8 days a month isn't a good dad... Helping them grow up and nurturing them does. Putting them down the right path and creating a good life and future does. That is what I am trying to do. And until you can do these things, you are not a good father.... Please Grow Up Before It is Too Late!

After all this time.

I lay here not wanting to get out of bed, last night it took me so long to fall asleep with memories running through my head. I grew up here, I worked here, I learned to water ski here, I lived here in the summer, I met lifetime friends here, I had so many firsts here, and they all contain you. This place brought us together which I thought was going to be my ever after... Then I come to see fairytales are not real and you still get a heart break. And I wonder why I have zero trust in life and have so much heartache. So as I laid here last night I remembered all the good and got sad to all night tears, yet you don't deserve my tears. Only my memories do... Life is full of regrets and mistakes, yet moving past them seems to be the hardest part of life.. So if being feet from my kids and not being able to spend time with them for 2 days is what I have to do to be happy, then so be it.... Because I am their world of security, love, and constant nuturing, not you. I am the sober clean one that does whatever it takes. Knowing all of that is bigger than those memories..... So now I am going to get up and walk these paths and remember the good and what it gave me....

To do College or Not to do College!

So I got some news on college options tonight and costs, and all the info for school loans.... So now I just need to decide to do it or not to do it... I really think that it will help my self confidence alot, and really help me out of this slump, and it also will possibly help in the job category... If I am qualified or have a degree I may be looked at for jobs in which I never would have before. And the areas of work that I am looking at are things that I always wanted to do and could never do without a degree, so this is a win win... Now just to narrow down the decision of what to do based on my kids, or schedule, and our future. I don't have to be rich as long as I have time for my family and I am able to provide... That is the most important, and that I love what I will be doing. That is huge for me. I want to come home daily and feel satisfied or just happy. Plus I don't think I have the patience and knowledge anymore to spend 4 years in school full time. I need to keep that in mind..... So, what do I want to be when I grow up????? I know what I really want, and always have, yet it seems silly..... I always loved the idea of nursing and helping others, yet the hours suck to make the good money and you have to work lots of longggg shifts. How do I do that with 3 kids and being a single parent.... Then there is teaching with I always loved, yet alot of years in school, but I would have a great schedule with the kids and perfect holiday schedule..... Then there was always more love that I talked about as i grew up and loved to do, Cosmetology... I could get done with school in 12-14 months, not being working late nights, and be alittle more flexable and own my own business down the road, which I have always dreamed about.... So, what do i do.... I just feel alot of relief and comfort knowing that the help is there in grants and loans, and that I would then feel accomplished and feel like I fit somewhere specific.....

Welfare!!!

I have this neighbor that the kids love to play with her daughter, and I have talked to her quite a few times and she has been really nice. We talk about our lives alittle and the struggles that we are both going through right now. She also is a single mother, yet her boyfriend lives with her. I have been helping her get to and from work the past 2 days and also dropping her daughter off at preschool and picking her up. Her car has a flat tire and she has not been able to get it fixed until today... So while she is riding with me today she asks me to take her to Job & Family Services so that she can apply for some help and assistance. I take her and she goes in to get the paperwork and comes back out, all the while I am watching people walk in and out and I can not help but judge alittle. Not because they are there, yet because they are walking in smoking cigarettes to get food stamps because they can afford $5 a day in that but not food, and because half of them I see living around me or around town in there "pimped" out cars with nice rims & paint jobs. I know this is wrong, so why do I do it....... So I am hard on myself and said alittle prayer, cuz that is what I have been doing alot lately so that God can help me with all of my short comings.... So she gets in the car, and we are driving home, and we start to talk.... She proceeds to tell me that she has been holding off asking for any assistance from the government, because she grew up in a family where it was taken so much advantage of, that she told herself that she wouldn't do that... She grew up all her life living with parents that lived off of everything they could get for free, so bad that they knew exactly how many hours a week they could work and how much money they could make at a job before quitting and moving on to keep their "free assistance." She did this all her life with them, and even now they do it as elderly. So they have never had a "real" job or tried to live in society as a citizen that paid taxes and supported themselves. Her mother now is an alcoholic, and lives off of welfare and has her whole housing paid for along with food stamps and health insurance.....So now for the first time, she is having to ask for assistance because her ex is not paying his childsupport and she is just struggling. She would have been eligable a long time for help, yet she strived to do it on her own.. And for this I commended her...

Yet, if you know anything about the system, it is hard to get on and it takes forever, yet once you get it, they make it so easy to stay on forever. Say you get $450 a month in food stamps, free health insurance for your kids and yourself, and a voucher that covers almost 75% of your rent equalling $450. Plus they will pick you up to go to the doctors, the grocery store, appt.'s, and many more services. Yet if you get a job making too much money you lose all of it... So lets break this down.

$450 food stamps
$450 rent voucher
$350 health insurance for a family of 4 a month, and this is going on the cheap end, and medicaid is fantastic!
=$1250 month in free stuff, plus perks

Yet if you get a job and make $12hr somewhere for 40 hours a week, you will get dropped from services.
$480 week b4 taxes,
-$120 taxes
=$360 a week
=$1440 month
+ you pay for your own food, insurance, and rent out of this....
WHO THEY HELL WOULD WANT A JOB!!!!!!!! So they make it too easy, unless you can find a GREAT job that is high paying, and who can do that in this economy.

So this made me think, and yes I know I gave alot of personal info for someone else. Yet you do not know them, and never will, and this is my personal blog... So I was thinking, do you know how many people probably do this... How many people probably live off welfare and our tax money assistance forever. We do not hold people accountable for themselves enough, and we do not follow through with the assistance we are giving people..... So why not spend alittle less money in the end, by drug testing, doing home visits, and giving people a cut off date that isn't FOREVER!!!!

I will say, that I have used a few systems to help with myself and the kids on and off since I left David. I have not consistantly, and only have in times when I had no other option. Yet I get right off when I can, and have had to go through the long process of reapplying over again. Yet I don't want to ever have to do this, yet I have worked since I was 16 and have paid taxes for 17 years and have never used any assistance or help, so I feel that I have a need. Yet I am disguisted by others that abuse this system and make it hard for those that really need it. So I think this is why we have an issue of lazy people laying around in government housing, and getting everything handed to them.... Because the system is broken, and nobody does anything about it. We do not have the same work ethic that this country use to have, nor do we have the same standards... Yet I look at this and wonder where it all went down hill. I believe in starting these programs for those in need, and I believe in second chances, yet where did it ever become ok for people to live off of others forever.

This is just my opinion for the day, and I was enlightend alittle today. I do not live stupid to what goes on around me, yet I was lucky to grow up in a stable enviroment when I was younger and in an area that we never witnessed things like this or heard of people doing things like this.... Not saying that I am better, yet I was raised differently.... And it is odd to me why this is worse in some areas than others, yet where I grew up there was no metro housing or gov housing, nor where there services for lazy people. We grew up where everyone helped good people in a hard time until they got onto their feet, that is what is right and that is what we are lacking...I am sorry if this offends anyone, yet hopefully it makes you think.....

Great Start To Fall!

So, with the kids going to their dads so much I rarely get to spend much time with them besides school nights, and we all know how school nights are... Homework, baths, dinner, and bedtime.... Yet this weekend they got to stay with me due to weather and other stuff. Yeah!! So I actually got to be the fun mom for once....

Friday night we watched a movie & played card games that they love!! Plus Ashtin got to watch Star Wars Clone Wars, which comes out every friday night and he misses it. So that excited him soo much!

Saturday we got to hang out with Aunt Debbie for awhile and she spoiled them by taking them to McDonalds for icecream. Then we made Kool aid Play-do, which was really easy and not messy at all!!! And the kids love it and it smells yummy. Then we got Spooky Buddies & Rio at red box and had a movie night with snacks and popcorn, and the boys all got to sleep in mommy's bed with me..... It wasn't very comfy for me, yet they loved it!

Sunday we got up and had a big breakfast, meaning not just cereal, and went to Church... Church was interesting, cuz Ashtin doesn't like going to Junior Church cuz none of his school friends are there and he is just not very outgoing... Unlike Landyn & Gavin he doesn't have his brother with him. So I let him come upstairs with me, and he was amazed. He asked so many questions, and actually took notes about the lesson on his handout, and read along with everything we did. He probably learned way more than he would have. Plus we did communion, and he had never witnessed that.... So we had to talk about that too... He didn't understand why he couldn't do communion.... LOL. yet he did just great, and it gave me someone to talk too... Church was really good for me too, yet I will talk about that later... After church we headed to Ashland to my Aunt & Uncles to hang out and have lunch and go to Honey Haven Pumpkin Farm. Alan & Angie where so great and invited the kids up for the day and treated us all. It was a great day. We got to go pick our own pumpkins on a horse drawn carriage, sling shot baby pumkins, beat each other up in the bouncy house, see a few baby animals, play, get our faces painted, and enjoy yummy pumpkin icecream... It was so nice spending time with them, and Gabe even made time for us in his busy day.. LOL. We don't get to see him much so that was nice for him to hang out with the kids too... After a big day we headed home and took baths, ate some dinner, read some books, and needless to say the kids fell asleep great!!! When I was giving hugs last night they all said how much fun they had and gave me big hugs... That right there makes it all worth it!!!! So for once, I was the "fun mom" and I got to do the fun stuff!!!!

Hay bail maze!

 Slide at the end of the maze!

 Bouncy house, and Gavin getting dominated due to his lack in weight!

 Landyn's Shark!

 Ashtin's Skull

 

Gavin's Spider Web

Aunt Angie helping pick out pumpkins, I didn't realize the art form that it took them to decide and how long it would take. LOL

Gavin doing the pumpkin sling shot

Landyn doing the Pumpkin sling shot

Throwing Tank's toy for him with Uncle Al

This is Tank, he is the cutest dang dog ever! He took over Claire's room.LOL

 

Ashtin doing the Pumpkin sling shot!