I want Love Again!

I can't believe I am saying this, yet it has been 2 years, but I want to be Loved again, and I want to find someone to Love back.

I always wanted that storybook love, yet never let myself have it truely. I ran from every good guy in my life, fearing I would dissapoint them or that I wasn't good enough. So here I am now with a failed marriage and a broken heart..... I don't know if he broke it, or if the circumstance did....

I was dead set on staying single for quite some time, yet now I think it's not for me... Yet my years of unhappiness and regret of my past have left me far from drop dead sexy!!! LOL. So something needs to be done about that. So no more comfort for myself, and I say it's time I fix this problem.... I may be a happier person, if I let someone make me happy...

I am a true romantic and I know that someone is out there to love me, I just hope he finds me. I want that happy ever after, and the sweeping me off of my feet. I hope it is still possible, and I refuse to give up. I would rather have gone through all of these struggles, then be in an unhappy situation where I harbor secrets and lies to tie my life together. Who wants to live that way at 33 or even 60. Seize the day I will and you might as well say this is my new goal... Happiness & Love in the Right Place!

Match.com i hate you

To come home with these thoughts and see this in my email sucks.

Bad Mother

Horoscope
Nov 01, 2011

You need to be careful and patient on a day like today -- otherwise, you might find that you blow up or otherwise miss out on a great opportunity. Things are likely to pick up in a few days.

This is my day, this right there explained how I felt today, and here I read it on my blog page tonight.....

What makes a bad mother????

Is it that everyone around me feels that I can't discipline my own kids and does it for me, or is it that I just look like I need the help with desporation on my face...

Or maybe it's the comments like, "your mother is way too easy on you, cuz if you were my kid you'd have your ass beaten by now."  or maybe I am too easy and I am a pushover....

I constantly feel like I am the hated parent and I am always trying to not be too mean, yet when I get mad I blow up!!! I tend to give more chances, have more patience than others, and also not be so nerotic! Yet most of the time they exhaust me and I am wiped out and ready for a glass of wine by the end of the day!!! So maybe I'm doing it wrong.

When I spank my kids butt for telling me no on the 5th time or for smarting off to me, he tells me he hates me or that he doesn't love me, or that he wants his daddy or he is telling his daddy, that he hates living with me, and the best, "I'm gonna tell my teacher." So I can't spank my kids butt now for being bad, or yell at them for mouthing off???? UGHHHHHHH. I take things away, I yell, and I get so little respect.

So, others always joke that my kids are handfulls and wild & crazy!!! Yet I would love for someone to take a walk in my shoes for 1 month of no other spouse to have a break on bad nights, no relief or help 99% of the time I have them, and nor do I ask for help, and doing it all on my own with really shitty things happening in my life, and believe it or not, I never really had help ever. My ex spouse always sucked at marriage & kids, so I never had alot of help an hour and a half away. No weekend visits or much coming up to babysit. Hell the grandparents that lived 1 mile away never once kept them overnight or past 8pm while I would work and their dad laid in bed.... I have always done this alone with so little help, yet everyone is a critic.

I feel like I am failing at life already, and this makes me feel even less.... The 3 thing that makes me get up in the morning and the 3 things that make me believe that it can get better, and I am failing at them too....

So the past 2 days I have been frustrated cuz I felt like I had to do something that I didn't feel was right or good for the kids, and too my belief I was right about what would happen. So I have paid for the wrong mistake, yet had to do it because it was promised by the other half and I didnt want to be the hated parent as usual..... So I am alittle gloomy over no sleep and trying to keep kids happy and quiet so I have given in and not disciplined approperatly due to worry of loud crying & noise with the babies, yet I am not getting anywhere cuz I have to surpass them to keep them quiet. So how do I do this... How do I get them to learn without screaming and crying because I walk away. I cannot babysit my kids in their room every night until they fall asleep, yet I can't let them scream and cry. You can give them evil eyes, threats, and whatever else you want, yet they will never learn until actions are taken and they learn that you will win....

HELP HELP HELP HELP, I am growing weak and frustrated.....

Halloween 2011

The kids and I had so much fun at our friends Halloween Party. It was the perfect way to get in the Halloween spirit and get ready for trick or treat! The kids had so much fun with all of the games & goodies, along with scarey stories by the fire & themed food. Here are a few pics to share our fun.

Since I can't write you, this will do....

I am writing this to try and clear my mind of all of my thoughts. I guess we will be connected forever no matter what I do, so some now I need to release... When we found each other again 9 1/2 years ago, I never in my mind thought this is who you would turn out to be. I found my fairytale that I had been looking for, my forever. You promised me the world, and that you would do anything to make us happy. As married couples do, I found things that upset me or even made me doubt alittle. Yet I thought we would always work through everything and that in the end Love would be enough... Yet something changed, it was like you woke up one morning a totally different person. Now that I look back I see some of the turning points that may have pushed you over the edge. Your best friend since the 1st grade commited suicide, and you took it so hard. Then we found out that I was pregnant for Gavin which stressed you out financially... Then your dealership of 10+ years shut down right before Gavin was born.

Life is stressful, and nothing is perfect, yet why did you have to give up on us and our family... You shut down and retreated to other things that just made it worse. I worked my hardest at my job to make us better financially and emotionally, yet you kept giving up. You wouldn't fight with me. I gave you so many chances, so many times you said that you were going to change or fix things, yet you didn't. When I came home to my kids running their own house and you in bed with what you were doing, you would think that was my breaking point, yet no... I gave you time to get better and continued to pay for sitters while you laid in bed for months.... So I left, feeling like I was the bad one giving up on you. The whole time I felt like I was suppose to stay, that was my duty. You quickly got yourself together and came after us. I thought that maybe this ment you realized what you did, and that I woke you up when I left. So we came back... And I tried so hard for months, and lied to everyone around me saying how great you were doing. I threw you a big party and faked so much so that I didn't look like a failure, yet deep down I felt like one.... So 8 months later we left for good and you blame everything on me. You never grew up, or were a real husband or father....

So now it has been 2 years since we split, and legally I am still bound to you because you will not sign any paperwork together for a disolution, or come to an agreement so that we can do what we can afford.... So I have to wait till I can afford an attorney to fight you, which will be never because you barely help me with your kids.... How do you sit on your ass for over a year now with no job and not have some remorse for your kids struggling. How do you think $75 a week for 3 kids is enough for food, clothes, preschool, activities in school, and part of their living costs. How do you think this works????? How do you live with yourself???? For the first 3 months you barely tried to make time for your kids, then when I saw your house I realized why. It was disguisting and you had made such a mess and trashed the place. So yes, I wouldn't let you see them until you got your shit together. Who lives that way!!! 3 months later I come to inspect your house and let you make amends and from that point on it has been nothing but a fight. You get to be this "Disney Dad" and have them 2 fun days a week and let them sleep wherever, do whatever, play video games 24 hours straight, watch tv in bed, no rules, act out, eat whatever, drink caffeine, no baths or changing clothes... So they just love being with you while I have to have bedtimes, no tv in bed, get up early for school, limit video games for homework, encourage extra curricular activities, no pop & candy all day long, and make them go outside.... And all along you have no job, which is hard right now, yet do what you have to do... How do you think I get school clothes and shoes. How do I pay rent & bills. You live in a free house cuz you aren't working and your parents aren't making you pay, all of your utilities are shut off. So you just spoil them instead of helping with sport fees, shoes, clothes, class parties,school supplies, preschool costs EVERYTHING!!! Grow up and get a side job, help me!!! Don't you see that people do what they have to do. If you can't afford shit, sell the house, sell one of the 5 video game systems you have, sell a car, DO SOMETHING TO HELP ME!!! Stop buying them new video games, candy, movies, and toys...... Help me buy a new coat or shoes for basketball, or something!! I am begging you to take responsibility and help. Be a man..

So now this week, you haven't answered one of my texts or any of the kids phone calls. What makes you think you can pick and choose when you are going to be a dad. You NEVER answer their calls, what parent wouldn't want to talk to his kids everyday... You buy them Halloween costumes yet won't let them bring them to my house for a halloween party or HALLOWEEN since it's on a school night. How is that fair??? Yet, the kids think all of this is my fault. You say things and let them believe that I did all of this. They say, "daddy says you take all of his money", "daddy said you made us move", "we watch tv at bedtime with daddy", "daddy says it's a secret and if we tell you he will have to take it away", "daddy's house is more fun and we don't have to go to bed early", "DADDY IS MORE FUN"... Well I can't wait for my kids to grow up and realize the loser you are and what I did for them, and how you contributed.... Where is the right time to say you are harmful to them.

Where is the line drawn? When is it enough to say no more? This is how what I thought was my "lifetime love" treats me... I am not perfect, and nor do I say I am. Yet actions speak louder than words and your actions have destroyed me. Yet I realize now that I was blinded by what I thought was love, and instead it was obligation... I created my fairytale to feel better about the situation. I wanted it so bad, that I grew to love the idea of it. The idea that I trusted someone that much, and that I opened up. Yet I never did. And thank goodness, cuz where would I be if I had. Worse off than I am now.... So if you can't grow up and you can't be a good father, then go away. I would rather you not be here at all..... Playing with your kids 6-8 days a month isn't a good dad... Helping them grow up and nurturing them does. Putting them down the right path and creating a good life and future does. That is what I am trying to do. And until you can do these things, you are not a good father.... Please Grow Up Before It is Too Late!

After all this time.

I lay here not wanting to get out of bed, last night it took me so long to fall asleep with memories running through my head. I grew up here, I worked here, I learned to water ski here, I lived here in the summer, I met lifetime friends here, I had so many firsts here, and they all contain you. This place brought us together which I thought was going to be my ever after... Then I come to see fairytales are not real and you still get a heart break. And I wonder why I have zero trust in life and have so much heartache. So as I laid here last night I remembered all the good and got sad to all night tears, yet you don't deserve my tears. Only my memories do... Life is full of regrets and mistakes, yet moving past them seems to be the hardest part of life.. So if being feet from my kids and not being able to spend time with them for 2 days is what I have to do to be happy, then so be it.... Because I am their world of security, love, and constant nuturing, not you. I am the sober clean one that does whatever it takes. Knowing all of that is bigger than those memories..... So now I am going to get up and walk these paths and remember the good and what it gave me....

To do College or Not to do College!

So I got some news on college options tonight and costs, and all the info for school loans.... So now I just need to decide to do it or not to do it... I really think that it will help my self confidence alot, and really help me out of this slump, and it also will possibly help in the job category... If I am qualified or have a degree I may be looked at for jobs in which I never would have before. And the areas of work that I am looking at are things that I always wanted to do and could never do without a degree, so this is a win win... Now just to narrow down the decision of what to do based on my kids, or schedule, and our future. I don't have to be rich as long as I have time for my family and I am able to provide... That is the most important, and that I love what I will be doing. That is huge for me. I want to come home daily and feel satisfied or just happy. Plus I don't think I have the patience and knowledge anymore to spend 4 years in school full time. I need to keep that in mind..... So, what do I want to be when I grow up????? I know what I really want, and always have, yet it seems silly..... I always loved the idea of nursing and helping others, yet the hours suck to make the good money and you have to work lots of longggg shifts. How do I do that with 3 kids and being a single parent.... Then there is teaching with I always loved, yet alot of years in school, but I would have a great schedule with the kids and perfect holiday schedule..... Then there was always more love that I talked about as i grew up and loved to do, Cosmetology... I could get done with school in 12-14 months, not being working late nights, and be alittle more flexable and own my own business down the road, which I have always dreamed about.... So, what do i do.... I just feel alot of relief and comfort knowing that the help is there in grants and loans, and that I would then feel accomplished and feel like I fit somewhere specific.....

Welfare!!!

I have this neighbor that the kids love to play with her daughter, and I have talked to her quite a few times and she has been really nice. We talk about our lives alittle and the struggles that we are both going through right now. She also is a single mother, yet her boyfriend lives with her. I have been helping her get to and from work the past 2 days and also dropping her daughter off at preschool and picking her up. Her car has a flat tire and she has not been able to get it fixed until today... So while she is riding with me today she asks me to take her to Job & Family Services so that she can apply for some help and assistance. I take her and she goes in to get the paperwork and comes back out, all the while I am watching people walk in and out and I can not help but judge alittle. Not because they are there, yet because they are walking in smoking cigarettes to get food stamps because they can afford $5 a day in that but not food, and because half of them I see living around me or around town in there "pimped" out cars with nice rims & paint jobs. I know this is wrong, so why do I do it....... So I am hard on myself and said alittle prayer, cuz that is what I have been doing alot lately so that God can help me with all of my short comings.... So she gets in the car, and we are driving home, and we start to talk.... She proceeds to tell me that she has been holding off asking for any assistance from the government, because she grew up in a family where it was taken so much advantage of, that she told herself that she wouldn't do that... She grew up all her life living with parents that lived off of everything they could get for free, so bad that they knew exactly how many hours a week they could work and how much money they could make at a job before quitting and moving on to keep their "free assistance." She did this all her life with them, and even now they do it as elderly. So they have never had a "real" job or tried to live in society as a citizen that paid taxes and supported themselves. Her mother now is an alcoholic, and lives off of welfare and has her whole housing paid for along with food stamps and health insurance.....So now for the first time, she is having to ask for assistance because her ex is not paying his childsupport and she is just struggling. She would have been eligable a long time for help, yet she strived to do it on her own.. And for this I commended her...

Yet, if you know anything about the system, it is hard to get on and it takes forever, yet once you get it, they make it so easy to stay on forever. Say you get $450 a month in food stamps, free health insurance for your kids and yourself, and a voucher that covers almost 75% of your rent equalling $450. Plus they will pick you up to go to the doctors, the grocery store, appt.'s, and many more services. Yet if you get a job making too much money you lose all of it... So lets break this down.

$450 food stamps
$450 rent voucher
$350 health insurance for a family of 4 a month, and this is going on the cheap end, and medicaid is fantastic!
=$1250 month in free stuff, plus perks

Yet if you get a job and make $12hr somewhere for 40 hours a week, you will get dropped from services.
$480 week b4 taxes,
-$120 taxes
=$360 a week
=$1440 month
+ you pay for your own food, insurance, and rent out of this....
WHO THEY HELL WOULD WANT A JOB!!!!!!!! So they make it too easy, unless you can find a GREAT job that is high paying, and who can do that in this economy.

So this made me think, and yes I know I gave alot of personal info for someone else. Yet you do not know them, and never will, and this is my personal blog... So I was thinking, do you know how many people probably do this... How many people probably live off welfare and our tax money assistance forever. We do not hold people accountable for themselves enough, and we do not follow through with the assistance we are giving people..... So why not spend alittle less money in the end, by drug testing, doing home visits, and giving people a cut off date that isn't FOREVER!!!!

I will say, that I have used a few systems to help with myself and the kids on and off since I left David. I have not consistantly, and only have in times when I had no other option. Yet I get right off when I can, and have had to go through the long process of reapplying over again. Yet I don't want to ever have to do this, yet I have worked since I was 16 and have paid taxes for 17 years and have never used any assistance or help, so I feel that I have a need. Yet I am disguisted by others that abuse this system and make it hard for those that really need it. So I think this is why we have an issue of lazy people laying around in government housing, and getting everything handed to them.... Because the system is broken, and nobody does anything about it. We do not have the same work ethic that this country use to have, nor do we have the same standards... Yet I look at this and wonder where it all went down hill. I believe in starting these programs for those in need, and I believe in second chances, yet where did it ever become ok for people to live off of others forever.

This is just my opinion for the day, and I was enlightend alittle today. I do not live stupid to what goes on around me, yet I was lucky to grow up in a stable enviroment when I was younger and in an area that we never witnessed things like this or heard of people doing things like this.... Not saying that I am better, yet I was raised differently.... And it is odd to me why this is worse in some areas than others, yet where I grew up there was no metro housing or gov housing, nor where there services for lazy people. We grew up where everyone helped good people in a hard time until they got onto their feet, that is what is right and that is what we are lacking...I am sorry if this offends anyone, yet hopefully it makes you think.....

Great Start To Fall!

So, with the kids going to their dads so much I rarely get to spend much time with them besides school nights, and we all know how school nights are... Homework, baths, dinner, and bedtime.... Yet this weekend they got to stay with me due to weather and other stuff. Yeah!! So I actually got to be the fun mom for once....

Friday night we watched a movie & played card games that they love!! Plus Ashtin got to watch Star Wars Clone Wars, which comes out every friday night and he misses it. So that excited him soo much!

Saturday we got to hang out with Aunt Debbie for awhile and she spoiled them by taking them to McDonalds for icecream. Then we made Kool aid Play-do, which was really easy and not messy at all!!! And the kids love it and it smells yummy. Then we got Spooky Buddies & Rio at red box and had a movie night with snacks and popcorn, and the boys all got to sleep in mommy's bed with me..... It wasn't very comfy for me, yet they loved it!

Sunday we got up and had a big breakfast, meaning not just cereal, and went to Church... Church was interesting, cuz Ashtin doesn't like going to Junior Church cuz none of his school friends are there and he is just not very outgoing... Unlike Landyn & Gavin he doesn't have his brother with him. So I let him come upstairs with me, and he was amazed. He asked so many questions, and actually took notes about the lesson on his handout, and read along with everything we did. He probably learned way more than he would have. Plus we did communion, and he had never witnessed that.... So we had to talk about that too... He didn't understand why he couldn't do communion.... LOL. yet he did just great, and it gave me someone to talk too... Church was really good for me too, yet I will talk about that later... After church we headed to Ashland to my Aunt & Uncles to hang out and have lunch and go to Honey Haven Pumpkin Farm. Alan & Angie where so great and invited the kids up for the day and treated us all. It was a great day. We got to go pick our own pumpkins on a horse drawn carriage, sling shot baby pumkins, beat each other up in the bouncy house, see a few baby animals, play, get our faces painted, and enjoy yummy pumpkin icecream... It was so nice spending time with them, and Gabe even made time for us in his busy day.. LOL. We don't get to see him much so that was nice for him to hang out with the kids too... After a big day we headed home and took baths, ate some dinner, read some books, and needless to say the kids fell asleep great!!! When I was giving hugs last night they all said how much fun they had and gave me big hugs... That right there makes it all worth it!!!! So for once, I was the "fun mom" and I got to do the fun stuff!!!!

Hay bail maze!

 Slide at the end of the maze!

 Bouncy house, and Gavin getting dominated due to his lack in weight!

 Landyn's Shark!

 Ashtin's Skull

 

Gavin's Spider Web

Aunt Angie helping pick out pumpkins, I didn't realize the art form that it took them to decide and how long it would take. LOL

Gavin doing the pumpkin sling shot

Landyn doing the Pumpkin sling shot

Throwing Tank's toy for him with Uncle Al

This is Tank, he is the cutest dang dog ever! He took over Claire's room.LOL

 

Ashtin doing the Pumpkin sling shot!

Unemployment!!!!

I just can't figure this out..... Yes, I didn't finish college, and let's just say, I bombed at it.... Yet I thought that I had made something out of myself and that I had made some great choices for my life. So 3 years ago when I lost my job with Friday's it has been downhill for me. So yes, I should have taken college more seriously and I wish I would have had someone pushing me and riding me. Yet it is still nobody's fault but mine, yet I just wish..... Now I am having the hardest time finding my place where I can fit in, and strive. And this economy sucks..... Yet, I love how a single mom of 3 is having a hard time getting unemployment cuz I had to quit a job due to the hours did not work with my kids, yet their are dead beats out there on drugs and lazy sitting around their home on unemployment.... Funds are low, yes I know, yet drug test all of these losers taking advantage of the systems and we would save a whole hell of alot of money and maybe clean up a bunch of idiots..... So yes, I am still waiting on unemployment to decide if I deserve it due to the fact that I had to quit a job that I had to work 2nd or 3rd shift 7 days a week, while being a single mom... Yet losers that probably aren't even taking jobs or applying are getting it. So yes, needless to say I'm mad today.... So come monday when I still have found nothing and I am going on 3 weeks without any pay and have rent and utilities and preschool to pay for, those drug heads taking advantage can go buy their shit with their unemployment money and be happy....... And I am applying daily at jobs and trying my ass off....... So that is another thing that I don't understand. Am I so damn bad.... Why can I not find a job. I even applied somewhere and they pretty much told me cuz I use to be a General Manager that they didn't want to hire me to work under them with my past experience.... Just Freakin Great!!!!!!! UGH>>> that is my rant for the day.Now onto more positive thought, I know that God has a great plan for me, and he wants me to not be judging of others and their choices, yet it is so hard when I struggle so much and my stress is affecting me. Please Please Please let this stuff just become easier.... I just don't know how much more I can take......

Family Weekend!

So what I thought started out as a crappy weekend, ended so Great!!! I had to work friday & saturday night 3rd shift 12 hour shifts yet when sunday morning came and I was walking out of work, I knew I was going to see my family and have fun!

My brother Ben came home from Michigan for the weekend to visit, and my cousin Claire cam home from college to visit too. We all went down to Pleasant Hill and stayed with Grumpy at his campsite and had fun. Even with the crappy rain, freezing temp, and the hard ground in the tent, it was still great to be with everyone. Ben moved away over 5 months ago for a job in Michigan and we hadn't seen him since. My boys happen to be down there also with their dad so we were able to steal them for awhile and they came to hang out with us and visit too..... What is better than chili, bud light, campfire, kicking everyones butt at cards, and pratical jokes.....

Then to end the weekend I got to hang out in Ashland for alittle while and got to see my aunt & uncle whom I feel like I never see, yet it's only 30 min away, and I stopped to see the Stoops's. Friends and Family are so important and we tend to get so caught up in what is going on with our lives that we forget to make room for it all sometimes.... I miss Sunday night dinners & just hanging out because. I hate change, well atleast the kind that sucks. LOL.

I also want everyone to keep the Stoops family in their prayers. Greg was diagnosed with stage 4 cancer last week and has started chemo therapy. Jenn is so amazing and seems to be taking it amazingly, yet everyone needs love and support.... They have so much family & so many friends that they are blessed and I know that this will be tough for them, yet we must stay positive and pray for the best....

Here is the only picture that we got from the weekend, yet perfect. Love my family so much!!!

And as of me today, I have alot on my mind and I may talk more tomorrow, yet say alittle prayer for me to find my solitude and my place in life....

Miranda Lambert you are so right, yet maybe alittle wrong!

On my way home from the awkward "drop off" with the kids that I do weekly and I had turned the radio up loud and was jamming to some Jason Aldean when Miranda Lambert came on singing about the house that made me..... It goes alot with what has been on my mind today and is so true, yet maybe alittle wrong.

You know when you hear a song and you try to put the meaning of it to yourself and find that place that it is suppose to take you? I do that alot. I love music..... But anyway, I can't help but do that on ballads especially and that song is so meaningful. The houses that we grow up in mold us into the type of people that we are, or mold us into the type of people that we don't want to be or just pieces of it are good and bad. You get the picture, you decide from those things what to take with you or what has influenced you the most and that makes you be you. You decide what type of person you want to be, and people love or hate you for it, yet you were made that way before you knew them and they love you for it....

So if I think about it, I do that with so many people. I look at where they came from for an excuse as to why they are nice, rude, dirty, clean, polite, generous, godly, and loving..... So am I judging or am I honest or am I just looking for something to start on to understand people. I think alittle of all in the end...

So myself I think of how I grew up and my family and the house I was raised in. Technically I feel like I was raised in many homes. Not in a bad way, yet I split my time between my mom, my dad, and my grandma. They have all made me who I am, yet my strengths and weaknesses come from there too.... Yet it is not only the homes we grew up in, yet the people that we grew up around or even those that we had the pleasure of knowing along the way.... Everyone has good and bad memories or even stories to tell, yet it is what you do with them and how they make you a better or worse person that really tells the lifelong story.

So after all of that rambling and I don't know how much sense it made, yet this is what I think about myself. I grew up with divorced parents, yet thankfully because I would never have had such amazing brothers, not half brothers, but brothers.... And so much of my life revolves around their love and support. I felt loved in many ways and I was able to be very social and active which led me to a better lifestyle. I was lucky enough to have a grandma & grandpa that treated me like a daughter when I needed it most and whom were always there for me through so much. Yet in the same sense along the way I have gone through things that have left me with large trust issues with everyone, the ability to feel like I cannot commit to the right ones because I feel that they all leave eventually so I guard myself from that pain, and I worry that addiction could control my life if I let it due to being unhappy.....

So what do I do with all of this.... I am a big girl, and others could know my stories and could say "I've been through worse" or "get over it." Yet we all deal differently and I feel like I do pretty good. I know my issues and I know what I have lost along the way because of my issues, yet I just have to know that God has a plan in here somewhere for me to go through it and come out strong. And some days I struggle more than others and sometimes I say things I shouldn't, yet at one point so has everyone.... So I look back at those amazing people that taught me unconditional love, true love, caring, compassion, and how to hold my head up and move on, and I thank them for loving me..... So to everyone that made me the way I am thank you & damn you!!! LOL.

There is my insight for the day due to music, and I promise the other 50 songs I hear in the next day or so I won't write about each, yet some just touch you to think... And thank you for teaching me that....

Old Friend

So recently I have reconnected with an old friend that I hadn't spoken with in over 2 years. So when she had asked me to do a girls day and meet halfway to catch up and do pedicures & nails I was in. Who knew that it would make me think so much.....

As we sat there today I was looking at her remembering her from the past, she looked great! I asked alot of questions about her life and how it had been and she spoke of her new love & her son alot.... As we spoke I realized why she looked so great to me, she was finally truely happy. She had a glow about her and spoke like she had so many things in place that may not have been there before. Then she talked about something that kinda struck a nerve with me... She said that she had lost her job and gotten into a bad routine.. She saw herself one day and didn't like where she had gotten. She said that she had to pull herself up and take steps to make things better....

So that is kinda the crossroads that I am at right now. I look at myself in the mirror and hate what I see that I have let myself become. I either don't wear makeup or wear too much to try to make myself feel better, I sleep whenever I can, I hate putting on nice clothes and I am soooo insecure about the way that I look now... I have done this too myself. So until I change that one step at a time, it is never going to get better... So for the past few weeks I have felt alittle selfish cuz I went and bought myself a few new outfits, got my nails done, got a massage, and today I got a pedicure. Was it alittle selfish money wise, yes. But did it make me feel better, yes. I did something for me that made me feel better and feel prettier.

Everyone always says, Sam your beautiful, you are not fat, anyone would be stupid to not want to be with you, and so on... Yet I don't see myself that way, and until I do, things won't get better.... I was so use to being able to be 135 lbs all the time no matter what I ate and never had to work out and never had to try to get attention from men.... That is a brave thing to say, I know, yet you know what I mean.. So now I have put on weight and I feel unhappy and uncute.... So I need to spend more time on me and be selfish, maybe not so expensive all the time, yet find ways to do it every once in awhile. And on top of all of that, I need to make healthy choices in my life.. No diet per say, yet healthy choices.... Cuz this fat is not going to go anywhere all by itself.....

Landyn starts Kindergarten

All 3 boys on Landyn's 1st day of Kindergarten

Ashtin's 3rd day of 2nd grade

Gavin starts preschool for the last year!

My big Kindergartener

Best buds!!! Ashtin is showing him the ropes and touring him around the school. Thank goodness their rooms are right next to each other in that big school. They even eat at the same time.

Life does get better!!!

As I woke up this morning, my first day to sleep in for 21 days, I thought about how much fun I had last night and how thankful I was to have that many wonderful people in my life to do things with. I have just been so down lately that you tend to forget about all of the great.

Life has definately threw me through some hoops and given me some ups and downs, yet for the first time in awhile I feel like I am on a better track and also like I am starting to rebuild.... I don't know what I would do without those around me everyday and those that are close that have spent so much time with me and made time for me & the kids. I have been nothing but cranky, difficult at times, and depressed and they put up with it and knew that I just needed to get through it. I love you guys and you know who you are.

So if you don't already know I am now working at LuK here in Wooster, and hoping that this is where I can grow and conquer.. My first 3 weeks I had to work 7 days a week and it definately took its toll on me. I think more so that I had to let the boys stay with their dad the whole time cuz I couldn't afford childcare, and I missed them so much. Yet they come home today and I am so excited. School starts tomorrow for Ashtin in 2nd grade & Gavin for preschool, and Landyn will start kindergarten on Wednesday... They are just growing up so fast.... I will get some new pics on here soon, just usually I get on in a rush and never make time to do it.

Well I am off to get ready to pick up the boys & a fun afternoon with them.

I thank God for all of the wonderful blessings his is giving me and for taking care of me even when I was angry......

Hurt

Waking up this way is unbareable. I am losing myself in all of this and I don't know how to pull myself out. I find myself not wanting to get out of bed, not caring what my house looks like, and not wanting to cook, not wanting to put makeup on or do my hair, and just not wanting to socialize.... I just don't know what to do. It is so easy to sit back and say, I want to feel great every morning for my kids, I want to go to the gym every day to lose weight, I want to find a new job, I want so many things, yet all of the bad keeps piling up..... I just cannot pull myself up anymore. I don't know what to do. I keep saying I want something good to happen, yet good things happen alot, they just don't mask all of the bad. Nobobdy knows all of it, nobody realizes how bad it really is. They hear me vent here and there, yet live all of it piled up one day yourself.... Gavin tells me yesterday, mommy when are we going to have our own house so that we can have our bikes there and nobody will throw all of their trash on the ground.... What do I say, when mommy gets a new job and can afford it.... They don't understand. Now I have to send Landyn to kindergarten half day because I can't afford Woosters $190 month fee for all day kindergarten. So my son will suffer and enter 1st grade behind because I can't afford it. And Ashtin, he just wants to see his dad all of the time and I am the one that has to support him and explain it all of the time and be the bad guy.... So he thinks it's my fault, and cries and tells me he hates me. Yes one day he will understand that it is not my fault, yet living with it now still hurts so much.....

That is the emotional, yet what about all of the physical and financial.... I can't even begin to list or tell anyone. I am lost, and I just can't find my way out. I hope there is an end to this soon, or a new beginning that will brighten it all up. I love my faith, yet lately it has been so hard, yet I know I have not given enough to be angry. Yet who needs more anger in an already angry situation.

This is me today, this is how I am feeling, this is how I am living..... And if you read this, thank you for listening.

Just another day in my Life

Hello Friends (and Nosey people too, LOL)!!!

I really haven't written in awhile and I have felt like it so many days, yet I don't have the internet, so I have started a new journal to get me through most days. The days just seem to fly by and I don't know where they go. I feel crazy busy all of the time, yet when I am not busy I curl up in a ball and sit home, and the next day regret not getting together with friends or just being social. I really have lost many great realationships that I have and miss so many friends due to my anger & depression with life. I don't feel that I am persay depressed, yet life depresses me to a point that I let it take me over most days. Who wants to be around someone like that, so I stay to myself. Plus I feel like all I have to talk about is depressing and bad, and who wants to hear about that all of the time........

Well, I am trying so hard to get out of that bubble and I am hoping that spring helps. So I am going to give you a tid bit of what is going on in my life and not go into much sadness with it all so that this isn't too yucky. I just lost my job and I have entered the jobless market again, lost over 70% of my childsupport for my 3 boys because their father had lost his job in November and still has found nothing, still living in Wooster, which I like, yet wish I could find a nice house to rent because our apartment complex leaves much to be desired, and I am lucky enough to have a great support system whom helps me get through it all.

Some of you may not know, yet my grandpa (grumpy) has cancer. He has had a couple of masses removed from his blatter, but they are growing back at a faster rate. He is not eligable for radiation, and the surgery to remove his bladder is like 5-6 hours, and he doesn't want chemo. So, they family is trying to help him decide what the best option is, and the doctors are not real sure on the surgery from what I am told. And they will not remove any more masses I believe. The big "C" just sucks, and I love him so much. Since losing my grandma 3 years ago, I have really been dredding this day..... My grandparents are just amazing, and my grandmother and I just had such a special bond. It is was the first person close to me that I have ever lost, I have been so lucky. I do have happiness in knowing that Grandpa really isn't in much pain and still drives around and stays active. I love him so much.

Lately I have been trying to help out at my grandma Gini's house. She lives in Ashland and I have helping around her house to make some extra money and to just keep busy. It is nice spending time with her since she really doesnt' get out of the house much anyway. She is battling dementia, and it seems to be progressing quite quickly which sucks. I have some stories believe me..... Gotta Love her, and just know that it is the disease.

The boys are doing great. Ashtin is ending basketball and starting baseball. His last basketball game actually is the same date and time as his first baseball game. Oh what to do.... He is finishing up first grade, and I just signed Landyn up for Kindergarten.... They are growing up so fast. And they are so different.

Well, I am going to just keep chugging along, and hope that the sun gets brighter day by day......

Triplets!!!!!

Cousins

Isabelle Joy, Clover May, Xavier Matthew

Xavier & Ashtin

Isabelle, Xavier, Clover 4 month photo shoot

Babcock Family

Ashtin & Clover

Landyn & Clover

Me & Clover

Me & Triplets

 Xavier

The Babcock Babies are 6 Months old Today!!!!! I just love them all so much!

Super Bowl Sunday!!!

So I have been at Matt & Terri's all weekend helping Aunt Debbie watch the triplets while M & T are at the Home and Garden show in Cleveland. It has been so nice spending time with the triplets. They are just growing so fast and getting all of their own little personalities. We have even been thinking about giving the girls a mani & pedi party, yet I wonder if Matt would approve, not that I have ever cared before. LOL. My boys have really been good with the boys, and Ashtin especially has been great with the babies. Landyn has been Debbie's little helper (AKA her favorite), and Ashtin has helped feed babies and even burp all on his own. Gavin, is just being Gavin. He starts to feed and says they are taking too long, and really thinks they get too much of his attention. Xavier reminds me so much of Matt as a baby, Clover is just so tiny and adorable, and Isabelle is Aunt Sam's little girl. They have all slept through the night both nights almost 10 hours and they are just adorable.

Is anyone listening??? Has anyone ever been Lisening really????

As I sit here with so many thoughts going through my mind I wonder which is the one that I am allowed to write about.... I had a conversation tonight that I have waited for, for over 13 years......... Someone hates what I went through, and they also can't move past it... So much of my life has been decided on that one moment in time, so much has been lost due to my insecurities and lack of trust. I daily look back and wish I had delt differently and wish I had moved on, yet I didn't. Now I look back on a life of regret and hate for myself for not allowing people I loved in and I may have missed some important things in life.... Did I miss my one "true love" or did I just miss out on an important person that could have made an impression on my life.... So many what ifs, yet I need to look to the future... I feel so much relief right now knowing that I am not the only one holding grudge or pain. I must make a change for myself. I have to care about what happens to me, how I feel about myself, and what will make me happy. I need love in my life and I need happiness. So from this day forward, I will work on me. Not ignoring things, not stuffing it all in, yet just me..... I need that to be happy.... So my goal, to be healthy and care how I look. I will start a life change on food, excercise, and how I see things..... I want to be happy with me. So, God I am back and I will be to see you soon. We spoke tonight, and we will be speaking alot more, and I will be relying on you to help me through this. I am going to put my faith where it needs to be.... Where I know it will be listened to. Thank you for being there for me tonight to not fall apart, yet to build from this.... Help me... I love you

Where did summer go????

I cannot believe that November 1st is in 4 days..... Yet November is bringing something so wonderful, the 3 little additions to our family. Matt & Terri are having the babies monday at 1030am. I am so excited for them. They have been waiting for such a long time. I just can't wait to hold a little infant again, and spoil them rotten.

Ashtin is turning 7 next weekend. This year he decided that he wanted to have a friend only party, which I was happy about. That is so much cheaper.... Feeding our family and friends is not cheap. So we are doing a Halloween theme party and the kids are dressing up and going on a hayride. I had to invite his whole class, so we'll see who comes.... Please don't let it be all 23........ Yet he is growing up so fast. He keeps trying to get me to help him wiggle his teeth, cuz he still has yet to lose one. He is reading at the 2nd grade level his teacher says and has been sending home harder books for him. He loves to read. Could sit there forever. He really does great in all his homework. It is something he is excited about. For now that is... LOL. Next week he also starts basketball at the YMCA and will actually be playing 5 on 5 games and practices. I am so sick of these clinics for younger kids where they seem to learn nothing for all the money we pay... So hopefully this goes better. He loves basketball and can't wait. Games are every saturday for anyone who wants to come watch.

Landyn will be turning 5 in December. And what does that mean to me??? Another kid out of daycare next fall. Yes, it has come to that being my excitement... When it costs $700 a month for 2 kids fulltime and one b4 and after school. It gets costly. I do have to say it is cheaper in wooster than it ever was in Cleveland, than goodness. Back to Landyn, he is growing up so fast too, yet his little devil on his shoulder just keeps growing up with him. LOL. He is still so mischievious, and so sweet at the same time. He has my crooked grin. Unlike Ashtin, I can barely get Landyn to sit down and practice his writing and math. So he will be my struggle.

And then there is mommys little baby... LOL Gavin is growing up into Landyn. God help me. He is such a little stink........... He thinks if he just grins at me he is golden and gets away with everything. That is probably my own fault. Yet he is catching on to the boys quick and is anxious to learn and be just like his big brothers. So that could help in the future. Gavin will be 4 in January. Yes, I do have 3 birthdays and Christmas in the next 3 months.... UGH.

So onto me now a days.... I have good ones, and bad ones. Money sucks, I have gained some weight back from being unhappy, and I just feel overwhelmed ALOT. Yet on a good note. I got a new Van with the help of Max. He found a good deal, and I still owe him some, yet it came right when I needed it.I have the best family in the world. Everyone has been so much help with the boys, and just seem to know right when I need a break. We never go without the most important things, and noboday would ever let me fail. Matt, seems to be a saint most days. He has a prego wife, 3 on the way, and still does his best at helping me with everything. Especially a listening ear.... Nobody really knows but him. And thankfully for Matt & Terri I have really made some great friends and they too have just been amazing support. So overall, that is what gets me through the days. Something that I have tried hard lately to remember is that, I am allowed to have bad days or just have days where it hurts. Yet if I let that take over me and who I am, I will get lost in it. I need to stay positive for me, and if that doesn't rub off on others, I can't let it bring me down too. I have to seperate myself from the negotivity and push through it. Because being mad, angry, and just feeling hateful everyday is not going to make it better. So those others can stay that way, and they can live that way, I will just seperate myself from it and be better than that and that will show my children the right way to live.

So, what is next. I have no frickin idea. Yet I do know that I want it to be a new year with some sunshine and grace. Nobody is going to be interested in this fat girl whom is depressed. So, I am working on me. And hopefully someone along the way will make me believe that there is unconditional love without me screwing it up....LOL

Long time since last blog....

I have felt for so long that I have so much to write about, yet just haven't made the time while on someone elses computer. Yes, I still do not have internet..... I can't believe that summer is almost gone, and Ashtin is starting first grade this monday.... We have open house tonight to meet his new teacher. He seems excited, yet scared to have all new people in a new class. I had to apply for open enrollment to keep Ashtin at the same school he started in at Wooster and thankfully it went through and he stayed. I would have felt horrible to have him move another school again since our apartment was a different elementary for Wooster. But all is well, and he is at the same school and the other 2 crazy men start their new preschool classes on Monday too. They seem to be more excited than anything. Yet Ashtin just has a different personality and may just show it less. LOL.

So, since the last time I wrote things have gotten better. I am now working full time at Woodwright, which is Easterday & Co. That is the business that my brothers inlaws own. We make stains & wood coatings. I really enjoy it, and love being a part of something again.... I started out working in the back lifting heavy buckets and doing harder work, yet now I am training on some stuff with inventory and trucking and working more in the office. Only bad thing is that I lost some weight while in the back sweating too death, and now in the office I think I am putting it back on. LOL. Yet I do love it. My brother is my boss, and his wifes parents have been wonderful to me for giving me this chance.... I actually just got to do my first furniture show this week, and I LOVED it! I think I am just made to talk, imagine that, and put me into some sales, and I loved it..... So hopefully there will be more.

I finally got my day in court, and I am recieving child support... YEAH. Actually they ended up making it more than what I was trying to get him to agree on without having to go through child support services. So that is what he gets. I got $60 in 9 months, and he has done nothing but bitch ever since it started, and he is already almost $1000 behind. IMAGINE THAT!!!

Enough of that though. Exciting stuff is that we are getting ready for 3 little cousins and neices & nephews to join the family. Matt & Terri are having triplets.... 2 girls, Clover & Isabelle, and 1 boys, Xavier. Terri is just over 6 months now, and we are so excited. We threw a big shower for her a couple of weeks ago and it went great. I will get some new pics on here soon...

Got to see Dave Matthews for my birthday present this year from Matt & Terri. Amber Lamb went with me and we had a fun girls night. Plus I got to spend some time with my bestie in Cleveland. I truely miss all my friends that are so far away, yet am so lucky to have them to lean on.... Plus the actual weekend of my birthday I got lucky and went to PA with my family and friends and saw Tom Petty & the Drive By Truckers. We camped for the weekend and had so much fun. I really have been so lucky this year to have everyone I love so close and by my side.

Well, I have nothing else for now. Will get more for you later...

Happy or Sad, that seems to be the question.....

It has been quite some time, yet I don't have internet at home and don't really have anywhere to get on the internet without the kids saying, MOM, MOM, MOM. So you ask where I am right now, I am sitting in my brothers house at almost midnight blogging about my fears..... 

The last 8 months have been a crazy hot mess, and for a couple of weeks I thought that I had distanced myself from alittle of it, and yet I feel an anxiety attack awaiting..... After one too many horrible text messages from David and outrageous screaming on the phone I chose to block his number from my phone two weeks ago, coming to the conclusion that he had not called his kids once in 6 weeks, why would he start now. So I did it. So now it had been 8 weeks and he had spoken to them once cuz I forced him to by showing up at his house for fifteen minutes and making him spend alittle time with them while I was in town. So we are at eight weeks and the arising issue of my kids keep coming up for a couple of days with wanting to talk with him, so I let them call him and what happens, he makes plans with them on the phone to go camping without asking me. So yes, if I don't let them go I am the bad guy. And the whole reason he hasn't been allowed to have his kids overnight is cuz of the HORRIBLE mess his house was and they were sleeping on floors. So I buckled and let them go knowing that his parents would be there and they would be feeding them. So as the day goes on, he kept putting off coming to get them, yet figured out a way on the internet to call my phone through a computer service from his phone. Jack Ass. No rush or hurry to get the kids, yet had time for that...... Then proceeds to call me and start a fight with me and get me all worked up. Then shouts, fine he isn't coming to get them........ WHY, why do I keep putting myself in these positions..... Long story short, it took my brother calling him to put alittle fear in him, to get him to realize that his kids are the most important thing and to drop the shit and take care of things. He finally shows up almost 10 hours later to get them, yet I had to meet him somewhere cuz he is afraid of my family and he just ruins my whole day....... Then icing on the cake. He says, he has plans in cleveland and he will have to bring them back after one day of visiting with them...... 

My New Chapter has begun!

Hello, Hello. I know, where have I been!!! I do not have internet just yet, and I am waiting to see how the rest of my bills and utilities pan out before ordering it. So for now I am stealing time on family computers until then, and needless to say, it is few and far between. 

We had such a wonderful and blessed Christmas with such an amazing family that truely is my backbone. Not only did the boys get mommy jewelry and a picture of them, yet I also got a new video ipod. Thank you everyone for helping them shop. I missed Christmas's with my family and it is so nice to have them back. The boys got a wii and lots of wonderful gifts to start adding to their new rooms. They really did enjoy Christmas and the whole holiday.....

Ringing in New Years was interesting, yet I would never have done it any other way!!! Matt & Terri were wonderful enough to share their New Years with me and we went out on the town. Awesome dinner at CW's, all u can eat prime rib, then off to the olde Jaole then to some hole in the wall place that needless to say was fun and entertaining. It was truely a great way to start my new year....

January was filled with so many decisions and choices to make, yet they all led me to where I am now. IN MY OWN PLACE!!! I miss Matt & Terri and we were truely happy being there with them, but an offer came available that I just couldn't pass up. I found a 3 bedroom, 2 full bath apartment for $600 month!!! It is big enough for all of us, and the deal was just too great to pass up. I got a special of no deposit and 2nd months rent free..... So, I saved myself $1200 and it just seemed so right... I had been praying for things to lead me in the right direction and they just seem to be right before my eyes. When one thing comes to an end and I wonder what is next, I truely am amazed to see what comes. It is like God is walking me in the right direction and showing me the way to go......

So now it is Febuary 26th and the kids and I are fully moved in, the place is all clean, all decorated, and we even got new livingroom furniture. Everything just seemed to be in place and I may have had to work alittle to make it what I wanted, yet it looks great now and it is perfect for us..... Ashtin loves his own room and the boys are adjusting to being upstairs alone since my master bedroom is on the first floor. I LOVE THAT..... 

Ashtin had his second parent teacher conference and he is tied for 1st ranking in his class. He is reading on a first grade level and is just loving school. He comes home and reads, works on math or any other book he can get ahold of. His teacher just raves about him all of the time.... Landyn and Gavin go to the same preschool yet in different classrooms. I recently had conferences with both of their teachers and they are doing great also. Landyn is just being Landyn, LOL, and Gavin is loved by all. Imagine that with those big blue eyes.... They are really adjusting well and things are getting easier with them and the changes that have been made. They are just growing up so fast.

One last thing, I took on a new job today for 4 days a week. I am officially working at Woodwright with Terri's family. Matt & Terri both work there with Terri's family and they have been great enough to bring me aboard. Hopefully in the future it turns fulltime, yet for now it is perfect and I am excited for the new challenge. I have just been so blessed with all that I have prayed for and so lucky to have such a wonderful family and friends.....

Oh, and as for me.... I can honestly say that even though I have my moments or days, I am happier than ever and really happy to have my boys..... Life is good and even happier..... 

Love you all

Overwhelming feeling of Love.....

Do you ever get that overwhelming feeling like everything is going to be ok? I got that yesterday while at church. I have only been to church once in the past probably 8-10 years until yesterday.... I have had alot of baggage of hurt and anger and have just detached myself from God and attending any services. When my brother asked me on Saturday if I wanted to take the kids to church with them on Sunday, I felt like it was something that I needed to do for the boys. For they have never been to church. Yet when I left church, it was by far something that I needed to do for me...... 

I have carried so much anger and hurt for things that were out of my control for too many years and these things have just been bringing me down and ruining my realationship with people in my life, and God. I cannot say that I have forgiven everything in my life that has hurt me, yet I can say that I am trying and want to. I do not want to carry all the baggage with me daily and let in ruin my life. 


Talking about God, and Jesus with the boys has been great, and helping them to understand life and why we are here. I want them to have that realationship with God that I didn't at such a young age, and to grow up learning daily. They have been taking turns praying and saying blessings, yet you wonder if they are learning enough from you, yet who can say.. You have to just be that role model that they need.... I want to be that for them, and hopefully that leads them in the right direction in life. 


I am not saying that I am perfect, yet I am saying that I have let something back into my life that was gone for quite some time.... Now finding that new realationship within me is the most important part.

I'm Moving On

I cannot believe that it has been almost a month since I blogged.... I guess I was just feeling alittle down and didn't think everyone only wanted to hear the bad..... Well, who cares what you think, here I go with LIFE.

With emotions on rollercoasters, and my husband just being an ass, I have actually had a really good past month. 

Uncle Doug turned 40, and Anna threw him a party at O'Briens in Ashland. Needless to say, 12 beers and like 6 shots later, we had fun. Even more fun the next day pulling over 3 times to vomit on the way home... Yuck, but we had fun and Doug turned the big 40.


We had Matt's annual birthday party on the same day as OSU vs. Michigan, and of course we won..... Who would have thought. It was a fun day of friends, drinking, food, and xmas ale. Just yet another reason why I love being home, family..... Oh, and by the way, Matt turned 28 and he is catching up to me... You know, since I will stay 31 forever. 


We had the Reynolds Thanksgiving a couple days early, the sunday before. It was great and relaxing, yet the kids couldn't be there. It was great seeing everyone and all of the Buzzards. With Grandma not being with us anymore, we see them even less than before, which is very little. Such a small town, yet little communication. How does life go by so fast..... I really missed grandma and days like those are the hardest. Grandma and Grandpa would have celebrated their 53 year anniversary this past November 17th.... Miss you grandma, more than words or tears could ever say.... Kisses and hugs.


Thanksgiving was great, and I got to have the kids for the whole day. I know you are all thinking, what does he want in return, who knows... I am still waiting and wondering. It was great visiting with family and eating too much food. Days like these are my favs, just hanging with everyone you love... Plus, I did really good at poker which I never do.....

Mom and I broken our Black Friday Virginity together this year. Neither of us had ever done it, and it wasn't as bad as expected. Mom through a couple lines out to a few people, yet deserving of it, and we kept moving. When we got to Walmart at 4:45am lines were from the registers to the back of the building. Oh my goodness, but by the time we finished shopping we had only half way back. Good deals though, and fun. We also did Game Stop, Dunhams, and Kohls. The whole day was a success and got the deals we went looking for. I just more than anything enjoyed the morning with my mom. 


Last friday I went to see New Moon with Angie, Anna, and Claire. Now keep in mind that I have never seen Twilight, yet still loved the movie.... I am a Jacob fan, yes I am. I have always had a thing for muscles and a good tan.... That was great, yet not long enough. Too much other stuff going on and dropping off of the kids, so not enough time with the girls. 


For the rest of the weekend of Thanksgiving I spent it with Mom. We went shopping on Saturday and did dinner with Max, then the River horse in Bellville. It was just relaxing and peaceful. Much needed, plus it gave Matt and Terri a quiet weekend. I went and helped mom on Sunday clean at a Schumacher home, and then got the boys......


That is my last 30 days, nothing too exciting, yet just great in my eyes... Family and happiness........ Now I can't wait for Christmas....

The rollercoaster of life

My baby is 6, and he is reminding me with every chance that he gets. "Mom, I don't need to hold your hand while in the parking lot", "mom, I have my own money", "mom, can you believe it, I'm almost 6 1/2." These are the whispers of him growing up so quick. With the help of my family we threw him a great party out here at Matt & Terri's house. The weather turned out to be great, and we had the Darth Vader Piniata outside, along with him being able to ride his new bike I bought him. The whole weekend was just great, having my moms help and staying for the weekend, seeing my family and friends, and just having everyones support and love. It is crazy how they all saw my unhappiness and are happy for my decisions. And I thought that I hid it so well for the most part.

With the onset of Ashtin's birthday, I know that I now have a December birthday (Landyn), xmas, and a January birthday (Gavin) to attempt to afford. The stress has always been there, yet this year it is even stronger!!! I guess maybe I picked the wrong time of the year to move out on my own. LOL... I am trying to find a job, find a place to live, finalize my dissolution, afford three birthdays and xmas, and get all of the things I need for my own place, and still move out of my brothers by the first of the month. Where do I begin? Yet one thing that I can say is that I fall asleep so much better, I smile more, and I just feel more at peace 4 days a week than I have in such a long time.... I am working on the other 3 days that I must deal with him. 


Ashtin had his first teacher/parent conference tonight. She absolutely loves him in her class, and says that he is loved by all the students and he is very social and active with everyone. He did come into the year behind in cirriculum since he came from a 1/2 day school, and here they are full day, but he is catching right up. All of his marks on his report card were great, and I see no reason to worry that any of this is effecting his school work and learning. 

On the subject of Ashtin, I had a big hurdle this weekend. His father came to get the boys saturday night after the party, so that he could have a party for him in cleveland on sunday. All was fine, he came to wooster since I had a house of people, and I drove to cleveland for pick up on sunday. When I get there he isn't even there, and I had to wait. Then when they do get there, I see him talking to ashtin all quiet and secretive, and all of a sudden Ashtin is crying. He is then telling me that he doesnt' want to go because he wants all of his new toys he got, and his dad will not let him bring them to my house. They must stay with him....... You can not do that to a 6 year old on his birthday with his new presents. He took new presents from my party up there!!!!! How horrible did I feel, and then his father makes it out to be like Ashtin is upset because he doesnt' want to go with me, and that he wants his daddy.... No, he wanted the damn toys he just got !!! How do I explain that to my son? How do I comfort him without showing my anger and pain towards his dad? The whole thing is so hard and sad..... And to top it off, he can't even afford to pay his bills or give me any money to help out for the kids, yet he went over board on Ashtin's birthday trying to buy his love.....I know that eventually they will see through that, but what do I do in the mean time? His family buys love and effection instead of building lifelong memories and realationships. It is sad. They hand out money and gifts, rather than be a role model or real family........... Enough on that subject right now.


Beyond those issues, the kids seem to be doing great. Just tonight uncle Matt sat with Ashtin and built his new lego creature with him. They love the library and playing outside in the huge yard. Riding their bikes outside may be their favorite though. Matt & Terri have been great with the boys and have just taken a great role at helping with the setting of rules and holding standards, yet also it is great to see them all spending so much time together. I have missed my family so much, and I am just blessed to be able to be here right now. Let's just hope that life keeps getting better..... Night....

A New Day for my Family

Well, the boys and I are all settled. It did not take long considering the fact that we brought so little. The move went smooth and the kids did great. When we got to Wooster they were so excited and full of energy. I loved the fact that mom was here to help and to make me feel comfortable with my decision. We all had lunch and dinner together, and it was just very comfy. Sunday was awesome, we spent the day revolving around the kids and making sure they were happy and enjoying their new area. We carved pumpkins, played outside for most of the day with our new friends next door, helped grandpa pick up sticks outside, and prepared Ashtin for his first day of his new school. Today (Monday), we got up early and went to meet Ashtins new teacher and drop him off at school. I think his nerves were bothering him a bit and he was alittle shy, but it just so happened that today was a fieldtrip and he made it through his first whole day. He was use to 1/2 day school and now he is going to full days. He loves that he gets to eat at school, and that his new friend will be riding the bus with him in the morning. He is so wishy washy at times and I can't tell if he's happy or not. Yet I think I need to give it more time. I worry about him so much and I know this is the hardest on him. He lives his dad and misses him so much.

So, I must say I do not know what I would do without my family. My brother and Terri have taken us in and made us feel right at home. I have my own room, the boys have a room, and they have their own play/tv room. They did all of this for us. I feel so loved and I know that I made the right decisions, especially when I have such great people standing beside me. I know that with my family and friends, I can do anything and get through anything. Now I just need to remember that daily.

One thing I know, my mind & body are so much more happy and at ease for the most part. I feel more in control of my life......

This is a sad and sappy blog, BEWARE

I am so emotional today. I never thought in a million years that this was going to be so hard and emotionally draining. You think, I'm not in love with this person anymore, so I'll leave and start fresh. Well, let me be the one to tell you that is not how it goes. First you must hear all of the most hurtful things you can, fight more than ever, and live in what feels like his house while he toys with you... If I did not have children..... Yet I do, and love them with everything, and that is why I am going through this and putting up with it. In the beginning, I felt like I had the upper hand, and that I was in control. Little by little that is slipping away, and I worry daily whether or not he will just freak out and get an attorney.

We have chosen to do this the easy and cheapest way, dissolution. Yet even easier and cheaper, we are doing it ourselves and filing. So this means we must talk everything through, agree, and come to final decisions without our emotions getting in the way. Just last night he told me all of his drug problems and health issues were because of me. He fell out of love with me years ago, and couldn't handle it....... Really???? He is comparing me dealing with him out of work for drug issues and mental illness, to him dealing with my weight gain, post partum, and acne....... How much lower can someone get you??

While trying to make decisions on who gets what, there is the apparent jabs and smart ass comments. Yet, I will not lie, I can play too. But I am just fried. I have thrown up more in the last few days, then in years combined. My stomach is one big knot, and I feel at the mercy of this man. All of this because I wanted to save myself from spending so much money on an attorney and the hassle of a drawn out court battle.

Yet when I got on here today, I read a blog from a friend of mine, and it just makes me remember, Things could be so much worse. My children are healthy, I am healthy, and I will hopefully be happy in months to come. I must find the good in my days and keep moving. Sometimes, it is just so so hard........